Custody Divorce and the effects on Children

CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS
WHEN PARENTS ARE NOT TOGETHER
Every kid has rights, particularly when mom and dad are getting a divorce. Below are some things parents shouldn't forget, and kids shouldn't let them, when the family is in the midst of a divorce.

You have the right to love both your parents. You also have the right to be loved by both of them.
That means you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to see your dad or your mom at any time. It's important for you to have both parents in your life, particularly during difficult times such as a break-up of your parents.

You do not have to choose one parent over the other.
If you have an opinion about which parent you want to live with, let it be known. But nobody can force you to make that choice. If your parents can't work it out, a judge may make the decision for them.

You're entitled to all the feelings you're having. Don't be embarrassed by what you're feeling. It is scary when your parents break up, and you're allowed to be scared, angry or sad.

You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that nobody is allowed to put you in danger, either physically or emotionally. If one of your parents is hurting you, tell someone -- either your other parent or a trusted adult like a teacher.

You don't belong in the middle of your parents' break-up. Sometimes your parents may get so caught up in their own problems that they forget that you're just a kid, and that you can't handle their adult worries. If they start putting you in the middle of their dispute, remind them that it's their fight, not yours.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are still part of your life. Even if you're living with one parent, you can still see relatives on your other parent's side. You'll always be a part of their lives, even if your parents aren't together anymore.

You have the right to be a child. Kids shouldn't worry about adult problems. Concentrate on your school work, your friends, activities, etc. Your mom and dad just need your love. They can handle the rest.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

----Special Concerns of Children Committee, March, 1998

SEPARATION AND THE CHILD So?you and your partner are separating.

A thousand questions go through your head. And one of those questions is, 'What about the children?'

• How will you tell them?
• What should you say?
• When should it be done?

At a time when you are most vulnerable and unsure of yourself, you have a most difficult task to accomplish. You know they will be hurt, worried, confused and angry, and it's the last thing you want for them but it has to be done, and you want to do it in a way that will create the least pain.

How your children will react to your separation and adjust to it will depend upon several things:

• How you cope with the break-up and any ongoing relationships.
• The age and stage of development of the children when you tell them of the separation.
• The temperament of the children-for instance, whether they are easygoing or highly strung.

How you can cope with the break-up

Some people have said that separating is 'worse than if a partner dies-they are always there in your face reminding you of a failure.

For others, it is an enormous relief, and the peace of mind that follows can hardly be described. Whether you fall into the former or the latter category, or somewhere in between, you need to cope with the event in the best way possible.

Separation and divorce are always painful, and it takes quite a time for people to heal. Give yourself at least 18 months, but don't be surprised if it takes longer.

As a parent, it is important that you take care of yourself at this time so that you are able to be there for your children when they need you.

There are a number of things you can do to help yourself through this tough time:

Don't get stuck

Unsticking yourself is a must! You always know when you're stuck because you will feel-

• Out of control
• Helpless
• Hopeless

and you will find yourself blaming the other person for your predicament. When this happens, you have given control of your life to someone else. So, begin to think about how you can take control of you.

It's not wise to try to make someone else do what you want - so, what are your options?

Make a list - then talk about these with a friend or therapist, look at the consequences should you follow through with each one, and finally make a decision.

Make sure they are decisions which will be helping you in the long run. Choosing well will help you to rebuild your life and feel confident, motivated and more positive.

Most people separating will feel angry, and anger can be useful it is used positively. How you respond is your responsibility; if you respond normally with anger which is designed to hurt or frighten others, this won't give you what you want. In the long run, it is far better to behave in respectful ways towards your ex-partner, even if you feel you are the aggrieved party. When you change angry, destructive behavior and avoid having your 'angry buttons' pressed, you're in control of you, and this can have a calming effect on everyone, including - and especially - your children.

If you think you are not behaving in a reasonable, rational way, check it out with someone who will give you an honest appraisal. (Don't use your best friend, who will tell you what s/he thinks you'll want to hear!)

Sleeping can be difficult for some people, too; this is a normal part of the process of separating, but if it becomes a problem and you can't manage your daily life, sees your doctor.

Don't forget to eat properly. If you aren't much of a cook, eat fruit and vegetables, which don't need cooking.

Talk to friends and family. Don't use the children as a support or sounding-board. As their parent, you have to be there to support them, not have them support you. Find support from others; socialize, even when it's difficult. This is an important way of working through the grief.

Find other ways to help yourself - listen to music, go for walks, take long baths, and have fun with your children.

Issues to discuss with the other parent

When separation becomes inevitable, there are a number of issues regarding the well-being of your children which need talking about. One such topic is their day-to-day care.

Where are the children to live and where are they going to school? It is best for parents to decide this for younger children; however, the wishes of children should always be taken into consideration when making this decision.

Changes to living arrangements can be made later if things don't work out. But normally life changes, anyway, as children grow older and parents' lives move on. So there are bound to be times when these arrangements will need reviewing.

Successful cooperative parenting, once you have separated, is very important and is one of the most valuable things you can give to your children to compensate for not having the family living together.

Explaining the separation to the children Telling the children you are separating won't be easy, either, but it needs to be done. Don't tell them until you are both composed and can present a united and reassuring front.

Tell the children something before you actually separate so that things can sink in.

If you can tell the children together, do so. Make sure you both know what's going to be said beforehand. You will need time to answer questions and reassure the children.

Acknowledge that it's been a difficult decision to make and that it will be hard for everyone in the family to get used to.

Explain that, while you no longer can live together as husband and wife, you will always be their parents. With older children, talking generally about adult love and marriage can help them appreciate the complexities of relationships and respect the way their parents have handled the break-up.

Try to convey the reason for separation in a simple way; leave out the bits which blame the other parent. Make statements like, 'We like one another in some ways, but can't live with each other'.

Say that some of the things that happened between you are difficult to explain and that you know it won't be easy for them to understand.

Glenda Banks, in her book Helping Your Child Through Separation and Divorce, has a very good rule of thumb?'Don't bite off more than your child can swallow'.

Make sure you tell them that they are not to blame for the separation. Give lots of reassurance that you will always be their parents and will always love them. Also tell them that nothing they can do will change the situation.

Talk about the living arrangements; be positive. Talk about how the parent who is to move away will maintain contact-by phone calls, letters, visits, videos, emails, faxes. Be prepared to discuss things like:

• What will become of birthday and Christmas celebrations?
• Will both parents go to special school events?
• How will the other parent receive invitations?
• What will happen during holidays?

Remember to say that good things, as well as sad, will result from the separation, and talk about the positive things.

At first you may not get much of a reaction; they may need time for the news to sink in; but be prepared for tears and anger, for wanting to talk and not wanting to talk. In short, be prepared for a variety of responses and listen to your children.

The way you and your ex-partner behave will have an impact on your children's ability to adjust well to the separation, now and in the future.

What to expect

No matter what age your children are, they will be affected emotionally by the separation and will need your understanding and support. It will take time for them, and you, to adjust to the loss of the family living together, even if things at home have been unpleasant through arguments or angry silences.

Preschool, 0-5 years

Small children are less able to understand what is going on. They are very dependent on their parents and will most likely want to stay close to the parent with whom they have most contact.

Such children are likely to:

• Be confused and worried about whether they have done something to cause the separation;
• Fret for the parent who has gone and wonder whether daddy or mummy still loves them;
• Fantasize what they don't understand, and make up things from their own experience which may cause them great distress. For example, they may worry that they will be abandoned when you go and leave them for a while, or that you won't be there when they wake up.

Such children are likely to show their distress by:

• Having trouble sleeping;
• Being clingy or withdrawing;
• Wetting their pants when normally they are toilet-trained;
• Being upset when they return from seeing the parent they are not living with the majority of the time;
• Turning more to security blankets or soft toys for comfort;
• Using baby talk, when normally they are able to speak quite well.

Early primary, 5-8 years

Children this age can understand that parents operate separately from them. They are more able to talk about their feelings, but have difficulty expressing their worries, and tend to demonstrate them through undesirable behavior.

Such children are likely to be:

• Worried that they will have to choose between parents;
• Wondering what will happen next;
• Fearful they might be the cause of the separation;
• Feeling responsible for looking after others' feelings-particularly parents;
• Longing to get parents back together; blaming themselves for the break-up;
• Afraid they will be replaced;
• Very sad.

Such children are likely to show their distress by:

• Being reluctant and distressed to leave the other parent at the end of a visit;
• Behaving badly by being abnormally angry, aggressive and restless;
• Withdrawing and dreaming;
• Exhibiting baby behaviors;
• Wanting to stay home to be near the parent with whom they spend most time;
• Asking lots of questions and appearing anxious.

Upper primary, 8-12 years

Children in this age bracket find separation extraordinarily difficult. They know what is going on, but don't know how to handle it. They can understand why parents can be angry with each other, and they don't seem to blame themselves for what's happened.

Such children are likely to be:

• Afraid of being excluded from decision making;
• Just plain angry;
• Fearful and unsure of their place in the world;
• Worried about being abandoned;
• Ashamed about what's happened;
• Responsible for looking after one or both parents;
• Afraid of being asked who they want to live with.

Such children are likely to show their distress by:

• Being angry and bossy with you;
• Missing the other parent intensely;
• Being judgmental about who is the bad parent;
• Playing one parent off against the other;
• Having stomach-aches and headaches so they can stay home from school;
• Frequently lying;
• Stealing;
• Having their school performance drop;
• Finding it difficult to talk about what has happened with others;
• Trying to run away.

Adolescents, 12-16 years

In many ways, adolescents are independent of their parents and capable of seeing that parent decisions are quite separate from themselves.

They will struggle, as younger children, to work out how to react to the news of their parents' separation. Often, however, they are aware that their parents' relationship is poor, and the news can come as a relief.

Adolescents are likely to be:

• Acutely aware of the reality of the separation;
• Angry and embarrassed;
• Fearful and uncertain of what will happen to them;
• Worried about their parents' emotional well-being;
• Experiencing a conflict of loyalty.

Adolescents are likely to show their distress by:

• Lacking concentration at school;
• Blaming parents for separation;
• Increased acting out behavior - e.g., going out without permission, refusing to cooperate;
• Taking on parent concerns;
• Withdrawing from the family.

What can you do to help?
Preschool, 0-5 years

• Provide lots of closeness and cuddles, and not just when they look distressed.
• Tell them you love them and won't leave them.
• Don't get mad if they wet the bed or regress and use baby talk.
• Be patient if they can't sleep.
• Make sure you tell them about the new living arrangements and how things will work - e.g., when they will see the other parent.
• Tell the children in advance what will happen, and when.
• Avoid putting the other parent down.
• Remember - they, too, are grieving.

Early primary, 5-8 years

• Reassure them about the other parent's love and that it will be forever.
• Reassure them that they won't have to choose between you and the other parent.
• Provide opportunity to talk about the anger and loneliness they may feel.
• Give lots of closeness and cuddles if they look for it (and even when they don't).
• Talk with them about their desire to get their parents back together again.
• Be understanding if they reject you at times.
• Avoid putting the other parent down.

Upper primary, 8-12 years

• Don't ask them who they want to live with.
• Give opportunity for them to talk about what is happening.
• When organizing parenting arrangements, keep in mind their social and sporting activities.
• Talk with them about the new living arrangements.
• Answer questions honestly, even if they seem silly.
• Spell out that they are not responsible for you.
• Provide comfort and time to talk about their fears and concerns.
• Avoid putting the other parent down.

Adolescents, 12-16 years

• Be prepared to listen and talk with them.
• Don't make them your confidant.
• Give them time and space to work out their own reactions to the separation.
• Avoid putting the other parent down.

Although it may be difficult or painful for both parents, it is very important that contact be established between the children and the parent with whom they are not going to be living as soon as possible. Even if arrangements are only temporary, children need to know in concrete terms that both parents are there for them at this time.

Make sure you tell the children that they are not to blame for the separation and assure them that both parents love them and that this will always be the case. Whatever you do, don't criticize the other parent in front of your children, and don't pump them for information about what the other parent is doing or saying. Let the children know how important you think it is to have an ongoing relationship with the other parent. And let the children see you behave in a respectful and positive way with each other.

Finding time to talk with, and listen to, your children will be helpful to them. They need to know that, even though you are distressed at times, life will improve and you are handling things. Children will need time to talk about their feelings-maybe to talk about the other parent. This might be difficult for you, but it is important for the children that you can listen and understand.

Children need to feel secure, and you can provide this by maintaining clear and firm guidelines around what is acceptable behavior. Your normally honest 8-year-old may begin to lie or steal because of what is happening. But don't allow a behavior that is not normally tolerated to be overlooked; in the long run, that won't help your child or you. Fair and consistent discipline is important at any time.

Don't use the children as a 'post-box', sending messages through them to the other parent. Keep arguments with the other parent private. Talk with other adults when you are upset and angry, rather than discussing the 'ins and outs' with the children.

Do talk with the children's teachers, and any other adults who have responsibility for the children, as this will help them to make sense of any unusual behavior that occurs.

It is important for parents to remember that children will feel caught, and can be seriously scarred emotionally, if they are:

• Asked to carry messages between parents, especially hostile ones;
• Asked intrusive questions about the other parent;
• Made to feel that they have to hide information;
• Made to feel that they have to hide their feelings about the other parent.
• Ground rules for parenting successfully after separation
• Respect each other's privacy; don't interfere with the other's household.
• Extend common courtesy and manners when you meet, as you would to a colleague or acquaintance.
• Make appointments to discuss things. It could be useful to meet on neutral ground, like a coffee shop. Sometimes it's easier to stay calm in a public place.
• Don't hold anger in, but do avoid physical conflict and fighting about the children in front of them. Bear in mind that your children will benefit from a good resolution to your differences.
• Search for solutions, not fault. If you both think you cannot do it on your own, find someone who has the skill to mediate.
• Explain to the children how you both have decided to settle the differences. Children need to know.
• Give your ex-partner the benefit of the doubt; don't make assumptions based on what the children have said. Check things out calmly with your ex-partner.
• Be businesslike; keep your feelings in check; evaluate your ex-partner's behavior, not by how you feel but by how businesslike it is.
• Be trustworthy; follow through on your agreements. Once arrangements for the children are in place?stick to them! Children need as much certainty as their parents can give them at a time like this.
• Concentrate on your own relationship with the children. Let your ex-partner parent in his or her own way.
• Put things in writing; don't assume. Make sure agreements and plans are explicit and detailed as to time, place, cost, and so on.
• Make the pledge never to take the child away, or to use the children as ammunition, to hurt the other parent.

Issues of safety
When couples separate, family violence may be an issue.

Ten mistakes separated/divorced parents make
Mistake No. 1
Failing to tell your children about the impending separation/divorce. This may lead to children imagining the very worst about their parents' relationship and what will happen to them.
Mistake No. 2
Neglecting to reassure children that they were not to blame for the break-up.
Mistake No. 3
Bickering in the children's hearing. Children may respond to the fears and anxiety that this causes by becoming difficult, shy, morose or angry.
Mistake No. 4
Speaking contemptuously of the absent partner. Telling children, 'Your father is a slob', or 'Your mother is a fool', has a devastating effect on children.
Mistake No. 5
Using your children for your own ends by asking them to spy on the other parent, or using them as post-boxes and sending messages to the other parent through them.
Mistake No. 6
Encouraging children to take sides with you against the other parent, or telling them, 'I still love him, but he doesn't love me', or 'I want to keep the house for you kids, but she wants to sell it'.
Mistake No. 7
Abruptly upsetting the children's routine by moving house and school. The shock of separation/divorce is lessened for youngsters who continue to live in the same school. If this is not possible, talk to the children about what is going to happen.
Mistake No. 8
Don't set up competitive activities to spoil children's pleasure in being with the other parent. 'You can go if you like, but we're going on a picnic.'
Mistake No. 9
Feuding over visitation rights. Children need their parents to behave respectfully to each other. Probably the worst error a parent can make is to break promises or dates.
Mistake No. 10
Being a 'Disneyland Parent'. It's great to go out and have good times with children, and great to receive gifts, but children need normal parenting, too.

Helping Children Cope With Divorce
When parents divorce, children are forced to confront the breakup of their family. They become part of two distinct families, and life changes forever. Children must be allowed to grieve the loss they will feel. Parents can help them through this process by giving them the emotional support they will need to live with divorce. The way parents react to the divorce will directly affect their children's ability to cope. Parents who are constantly angry lose their ability to be positive role models for their kids.

The first priority must be the children's emotional well-being. Children often feel caught in the middle of their parents' disputes; many feel forced to choose between Mom and Dad. Parents can help their kids adjust by keeping their children out of the conflict.

Parents must recognize that divorce is an adult issue. From the first conversations they have with their kids about the divorce, they should stress that the kids are not responsible for the marriage breaking up. They should explain that while love between adults may change, love between parents and children never ends. Kids should be prepared for upcoming changes, but adult decisions should not be imposed on them. Parents also should not confide in their children about their problems. This puts kids in the unfair position of having to choose whose side to be on.

Parents should try to maintain a positive relationship with their former spouse and should not talk negatively about him or her in front of the children. Kids will always be part of both families, and they need the love and support of both. Divorce is as hard on kids as it is on parents. Parents need to be supportive and patient and give the kids unconditional love.

Children whose parents divorce typically experience a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, confusion and guilt. A child's developmental level plays an important role in how he or she responds. Preschoolers may feel that their parents no longer love them since they no longer love each other. They may be uncooperative and regress in their behavior. Parents should repeatedly reassure them of their love. Older children, more aware of parents' problems, tend to react out of anger. They may withdraw from the family or rebel. Parents should keep channels of communication open with them, monitor their social activities and maintain "normal" routines. Adhering to a balanced schedule helps preserve a sense of stability in the family.

Devoting time to each child is important, and parents should talk to their kids regularly. Parents can keep in touch through notes, letters and phone calls. Communicating with kids is critical. Parents need to listen to them, let them know that all feelings are acceptable and respond calmly when they express strong feelings. Use language that reflects how the child feels, such as "You feel sad and empty on the inside." This will help them release their emotions and build trust between parent and child.

There are all kinds of things that a couple can do to keep from making the process more complicated than it has to be. Even if a couple agrees to work through the divorce process together they both have different agendas and needs which are usually opposite of their now divorcing spouse.

Every now and then, the news media will report a new study on the levels of stress caused by various occurrences in our lives, and divorce is always near the top of the list. Here are a few of the events and the levels of stress they produce, according to one such study:

Event	Stress
Death of Spouse	100
Divorce	73
Marital Separation	65
Death of close family member	63
Jail term	63
Personal injury or illness	53
Marriage	50
Fired at work	47

To put it another way, divorce causes more stress than getting fired and more stress than a jail term. In fact, it causes more stress than any other single event except the death of a spouse. And one of the many frustrations about divorce is that your spouse is still out there walking around, and in most cases, still dealing with you. The pain just keeps coming.

What makes divorce so awful? Start with the disadvantages of divorce. And it's no surprise to you that divorce hurts. It almost always produces loneliness, and it also costs money. The risk of suicide is three times greater for divorcing people than for married people. You're also more vulnerable to psychiatric illness, homicide, depression, anxiety, motor vehicle accidents, and even physical illness.

Divorce hurts - and not just the spouse who's left behind but also even the spouse who's doing the leaving. Many people who have gone through divorce remember that it feels -- it feels like having a piece of yourself ripped away. Most people never fully recover from a divorce.

At some point in the past, sometimes the very recent past, you felt the sensual, ecstatic thrill of total trust and intimacy with this person. Now this same person is your adversary. You feel betrayed. Of course it's going to hurt.

Another reason it hurts so much is that most people who are going through divorce have to deal with so many losses all at the same time. You're hurting for a broken relationship, of course. And often at the same time, you're hurting because of that feeling of being betrayed by your spouse. Or maybe you feel betrayed by somebody in your spouse's family.

And often at the same time, you're also hurting over the changes in your life. And there are so many changes connected with divorce. Sometimes you have to change where you live, how you spend your day, what you can afford to do, how much time you spend with your children and on what schedule, and how you can plan for the future, all while you're trying to deal with a whole new world of lawyers, judges, pleadings, and court dates.

And whether we like to admit it or not, there's still a sense of shame connected with divorce. People who are going through divorce feel like failures.

Parents who care about their children can help them with this process by keeping in mind a few dos and don'ts.

DO:

1. Reassure the children that they will be safe, sheltered, and cared for.
2. Keep the parental role. Be an adult, the kids will find that reassuring.
3. Tell them that they are loved and wanted.
4. Be sure that they understand that the breakup was not their fault.
5. Encourage the kids to express their feelings about the breakup in safe ways.
6. Stay healthy yourself. Get plenty of rest, exercise nutrition, and support.

DON'T:

1. Make any unnecessary changes. Keep as much stability as possible in daily routines and especially in rules, bedtimes, discipline styles, and socializing.
2. Talk badly about the other parent, their lifestyle or their new partner. Children deserve to be free of the parents' feuds; they have a tough enough job already.
3. Lead them to believe in (or hope for) a reconciliation that isn't likely to happen.
4. Threaten children with abandonment.
5. Talk through the children. They aren't couriers they are kids. Send your messages through your lawyers or friends, if you can't talk to each other. They aren't spies either. Ask them to be your best friend, sounding board, therapist or confidante. Those roles are for friends and professionals.

Study:
Joint custody best for kids after divorce

Reprint of an article written by Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY, 3/24/02
Children in divorced families tend to do better in joint custody - either physical or legal - than those who live and interact with just one parent, says a major new study.

Children in joint-custody settings have fewer behavioral and emotional problems, have higher self-esteem, better family relations and better school performance than children in sole custody, usually with the mother, says the report in the March issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association.

That does not mean that those in sole custody are "clinically maladjusted or need some kind of therapy," says researcher and psychologist Robert Bauserman of the Maryland Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. "It just means they don't do as well on average."

The newest findings are the latest in an ongoing dispute over what is the best arrangement for the children of divorce. This meta-analysis, or scientific study of studies, comes down solidly in favor of both parents sharing all aspects of a child's life, as long as both are capable parents.

The study defines joint custody as either physical custody, in which the youngster spends time with each parent, or shared legal custody, in which the child lives with one parent but both share decision-making and stays involved. This keeps the father in the loop, which helps a child adjust to parental divorce, experts say.

Bauserman examined 33 studies that looked at 1,846 sole-custody and 814 joint-custody children, as well as kids in 251 intact families.

He found that the bulk of the studies show that children in joint-custody arrangements are virtually as well adjusted as those in the intact families, "probably because joint custody provides the child with an opportunity to have ongoing contact with both parents."

These findings contradict experts who believe that joint custody disrupts the stability of a child's life, shifting back and forth between parents, or that it exposes the child to two parents who endlessly bicker. To the contrary, Bauserman speculates that parents who contain their anger at the time of the divorce may self-select into joint custody.

They are quite capable of continuing to parent together without a lot of rancor, Bauserman says. It is the sole-custody parents who report continued high levels of conflict over parenting decisions with ex-partners.

Almost all states offer a joint-custody option, Bauserman says, although many judges still favor maternal custody and oppose joint physical custody.

Alan Booth, a sociologist and researcher at Pennsylvania State University, says Bauserman's research is solid. "This is very consistent with the things we find. If couples are able to cooperate in joint custody, we would expect the children to do better," Booth says.

Although joint custody may sound good, it does not automatically mean parents won't be in continued conflict, warns Lynne Gold-Bikin, past chairman of the American Bar Association Family Law section. "It is a no-brainer" that children will do well if their parents both continue to parent well after divorce, she says. But we are talking about parents who, when married, "couldn't decide on the toothpaste. Why will they get along now?"

Intense interest in the well-being of children during the divorce process has led to an evolved understanding of the best interest of the child. New standards go beyond financial support and securing their safety from physical harm and extend to the protection of the psychological well-being of the child. Absent a clear finding of fact that a parent is unfit to do so, it makes good sense that both parents participate in the child's life after the break up of the nuclear family. In other words, the best interest of the child is now understood by judges, evaluators and therapists to mean the inclusion of both parents in the child's life after the divorce.

Parental Alienation Syndrome arises as a distinctive form of psychological injury to children in high conflict divorce. It occurs when the child becomes aligned with one parent as a result of the unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other parent. This leads to an impaired relationship with the alienated (target) parent and an absolute loss of parenting as a result of the hostility of the parent producing the alienation. In most cases of high conflict divorce, there are degrees of alienation. In severe cases, the child's once love-bonded relationship with the target/rejected parent is destroyed.

Diagnosis and treatment:
Whenever there is alleged, obvious or deep-seated parental alienation, the diagnosis and treatment must proceed swiftly to preclude the worsening of the condition. Diagnosis involves an estimation of the extent of the alienation and the nature of the causative factors. Attention is paid to rejecting behaviors on the part of the alienating parent that undermine the child's legitimate need for a relationship with both parents. Rejecting behaviors include: terrorizing factors by which the child may be bullied and verbally assaulted into being fearful of the target parent to the point where the child fears contact with that parent; relating factors where the alienating parent keeps the child from normal opportunities for parenting with the target parent, their relatives, friends and extended family; and corrupting influences where the child is mis-socialized and misinformed by the alienating parent about the real intentions of the target parent.

Treatment:
After careful assessment of the individual case as a result of the mandated participation of both parents, a treatment plan is devised and tailored to the degree of alienation documented. Mild and moderate degrees of alienation are properly dealt with through family therapy and parent education. Therapy is begun to support the child's healthy need for both parents, to eradicate unhelpful contributions of the alienating parent and unwitting contributing factors on the part of the target parent.

Severe alienation with a phobic or hysterical reaction of the child to the target parent and alienation of the child to the point of prolonged visitation refusal or cessation must be treated aggressively to have any hope of a successful outcome. Separation from the alienating parent is often mandatory. This separation can be accomplished by mandating the child to foster care, the care of other relatives or to a hospital setting which has a specially trained staff for rehabilitation, deprogramming and reestablishment of the parent-child relationship.

The first focus is on the child's feelings about the alienating parent and the target parent. The child will then be educated to the healthy realities of attachment to eliminate the distortions supporting alienation. Intensive therapy with the target parent will aim at the reintegration of the alienated child in a loving relationship. In addition, while there may be minimal contact for a significant period of time between the child and the alienating parent, an intensive educational therapy will be used with the alienating parent to create a correct understanding of that parent's responsibility for maintaining a loving connection that keeps both parents in the child's life.

Every case should be dealt with on an individual basis with treatment plans carefully tailored to the needs of all the parties. The goal will be the restoration of a relationship with both parents. The expectation of the program is to produce life- long benefit to the child and enable the child to have a normal psychological development even after divorce.

Edward M. Stephens, M.D.
Member, American Psychiatric Association
Committee on Juvenile Justice
Member, American Psychiatric Association
Committee on Mental Health in Schools

Divorce and separation recovery - the hard journey Recovery from a divorce and separation can be a tough process, and it can be made even tougher because people do not really understand what they are going through it is not clear to many people in this situation that they are experiencing grief. They may feel anger, hate, distress, and depression ?.a whole range of emotions. They see each of these separately, as if each emotion had nothing to do with any of the others. Actually, all of these emotions are part of an overall cycle of grief and loss. Once people have this understanding, it usually becomes easier for them to process their emotions, and gradually reach a place where they can begin to move on.

Research has shown that both men and women may continue to experience negative effects in emotional and health terms for some years after the divorce or separation. It is important to have some strategies for dealing with the grief and anger of a broken relationship, and being able to move on to the future. One strategy is having a greater awareness of how absolutely normal it is to experience all these emotions in the wake of a relationship that has broken down. So many people experience enormous fear that "I'm losing my mind" when they experience these overwhelming emotions.

In our society, people are expected to "pick up" what they need to know about inter-personal relationships as they go, and indeed, most of us do. But the human cost of this method of learning is potentially quite high. Learning from others is a better solution, and offers a form of support that is very important, particularly in times of personal crisis. This kind of support helps people to know they are not going crazy just because they are in emotional turmoil.

So it is important to seek out some support in this stressful time. Support may be through friends or family or through counseling or other helping groups, but all of these ideas may offer some good options for people who would otherwise have to struggle alone with those difficult issues. The support of a group of people who are going through a similar situation has shown to be been a great boost to people traveling along this hard journey.

What is the effect of domestic violence on custody and visitation orders?
The Legislature has recognized the significance of domestic violence and is busy enacting laws to deal with it. Judges and court appointed child counselors are all required to take periodic courses in domestic violence. More police departments are starting to take these issues seriously.

However, before any of these new provisions can go into effect in any given case, the victim must bring the issue to the attention of the judicial system. This is done by filing a complaint with the appropriate police department and/or seeking restraining orders through the courts.

If the victim seeks a restraining order s/he will do so using the provisions of the Family Code known as the Domestic Violence Prevention Act (DVPA). The DVPA protects someone whether s/he is married or not and whether s/he has children together or not. If the parties were not married, then all that is required is a current or prior romantic relationship, cohabitation, a child together or a blood relationship.

The consequences of a court finding of domestic violence on child custody and visitation depend on which statute the Court relies upon in making the order. The statute relied upon depends upon a number of factors:
Against whom was the domestic violence committed?
How long ago was the domestic violence committed?

Is there substantial independent corroboration of the domestic violence?
FAMILY CODE ?3044: If the domestic violence was committed within the last five years against the person seeking custody of the child or against the child or the child's siblings, then the Court can utilize Family Code ?3044, which provides that unless the perpetrator can prove to the contrary, the court will find that an award of sole or joint physical or legal custody of a child to a person who has perpetrated domestic violence is detrimental to the best interest of the child. This makes it much harder for the perpetrator to obtain custody of the child and may lead to supervised visitation, a suspension of visitation or its outright denial.

Family Code ?3044 defines "perpetrated domestic violence" very broadly. It includes: bodily injury, sexual assault, apprehension of imminent bodily injury to that person or to another, threatening, striking, harassing, destroying personal property or disturbing the peace of another.

If both parents are perpetrators of domestic violence, it is not clear what the court should do as this presumption is not applicable.

FAMILY CODE ?3011: This statute will permit the court to consider violence against a broader group of people than will section 3044 above, but the consequences are less severe. If the violence was committed against any child to whom the perpetrator is related by blood or affinity or with whom he or she has had a care taking relationship, no matter how temporary; the other parent; a parent, current spouse, or cohabitant, of the parent or person seeking custody, or a person with whom the parent or person seeking custody has a dating or engagement relationship, then a weaker statute goes into effect, namely Family Code ?3011. This section makes domestic violence a factor that must be considered, along with many others, in making a custody or visitation order.

Once the Court finds that domestic violence has occurred and makes the appropriate custody and visitation order, a number of significant consequences follow, including: an exception to the state policy that frequent and continuing contact with both parents is in the best interest of the child and laws that preclude a person subject to such orders from purchasing or even possessing a firearm of any type. If the person possesses a firearm, s/he must surrender it or sell it within 24 to 72 hours or be subject to serious criminal prosecution.

What affects how children will react to a divorce?

Even if parents deal with the problem and talk openly, other things may influence their children's reactions:

• the children's ages at the time of the divorce
• how smart they are
• how mature the children are emotionally
• the children's relationship with both parents
• how 'bad' the divorce was
• other people's reactions to the divorce
• if the children had problems before the divorce
• whether there are people outside the family who are willing to help.

What if there is a new step-family?

If the children have to deal with a step-mom or step-dad and new brothers and sisters right away, life will of course be even more complicated for them.

Expect difficulties. Children will not like these changes at first. They will need to fight for territory in the new family, both with the other children and with the step-parent.

It takes a lot of patience to make this work. A sense of humor helps! It takes time and then more time; it may well be a very long process.

Types of Custody
Legal Custody
Legal custody of a child is the right and obligation to make decisions about a child's upbringing. Decisions regarding schooling, and medical and dental care, for example, are made by a parent with legal custody. In many states, courts now award joint legal custody to the parents, which mean that the decision making is shared. If you share joint legal custody with the other parent and exclude him or her from the decision-making process, your ex can take you back to court and ask the judge to enforce the original custody agreement. You won't get fined or go to jail, but it will probably be embarrassing and cause more friction between the two of you -- and it may harm the children. What's more, if you're represented by an attorney, it's sure to be expensive.

Physical Custody
Physical custody is the right of a parent to have a child live with him/her. Some states recognize the concept of joint physical custody where the child spends approximately half the time in each parent's home. The latter arrangement is tricky and should be considered only if you have an amicable, respectful relationship with your ex. Also, it works best if you live near the other parent. This lessens the stress on children and allows them to maintain a somewhat normal routine.

Sole Custody
Sole custody means that only the custodial parent has physical custody and legal custody of a child, and that the non-custodial parent has visitation rights. In most states, courts are moving away from awarding sole custody to one parent, and they are often enlarging the role a father plays in his children's lives. This translates into physical custody for one parent with joint legal custody shared by both -- plus a generous visitation schedule. Courts may not hesitate to award physical custody to the father if the mother is deemed unfit -- for example, because of alcohol or drug dependency, an unfit boyfriend or child abuse or neglect charges. It's understandable that there may be animosity between the two parents, but sole custody shouldn't be sought unless the parent is a direct harm to the children. Even then courts may simply order supervised visitation, while still allowing joint legal custody.

Joint Custody
Parents who don't live together have joint custody (also called shared custody) when they agree, or a court orders them, to share the decision-making responsibilities for, and/or physical control and custody of, their children. Joint custody can exist if the parents are divorced, separated, no longer cohabiting or even if they never lived together. Joint custody may be joint legal custody, joint physical custody (where the children spend a significant portion of time with each parent) or both. It is common for couples who share physical custody to also share legal custody, but not necessarily the other way around. Usually, when parents share joint custody, they work out joint physical custody according to their schedules and housing arrangements. If the parents cannot agree, the court will impose an arrangement. A common pattern is for children to split weeks between each parent's house. Other joint physical custody arrangements include alternating years or six-month periods, or spending weekends and holidays with one parent while spending weekdays with the other.

Joint custody has the advantages of assuring the children continuing contact and involvement with both parents, and alleviating some of the burdens of parenting for each parent. There are, of course, disadvantages -- children must be shuttled around, parental non-cooperation can have seriously devastating effects on children and maintaining two homes for the children can be expensive.

Bird's Nest Custody
Bird's nest custody is a joint custody arrangement where the children remain in the family home and the parents take turns moving in and out.

Child Custody Mediation facts
Q: I've heard that mediation is the best approach to solving disagreements about child custody. Is this true?
A: Mediation is a non-adversarial process where a neutral person (a mediator) meets with disputing persons to help them settle a dispute. The mediator does not have power to impose a solution on the parties, but assists them in creating an agreement of their own. (In Alaska, California, Delaware, Michigan, New Mexico and South Dakota, however, the mediator may be asked by the court to make a recommendation if the parties cannot reach an agreement.)

There are several important reasons why mediation is a superior method to litigation for resolving custody and visitation disputes.

Mediation usually does not involve lawyers or expert witnesses (or their astronomical fees). Mediation usually produces a settlement after five to ten hours of mediation over a week or two. (Child custody litigation can drag on for months or even years.)

Mediation enhances communication between the couple and makes it much more likely that they will be able to cooperate after the divorce or separation when it comes to raising their children. Experts who have studied the effects of divorce on children universally conclude that when divorcing or separating parents can cooperate, the children suffer far less.

Q: Things are so bitter between my ex and myself that it's hard to see us sitting down together to work things out. How can mediation possibly work?
A: Mediators are very skilled at getting parents who are bitter enemies to cooperate for the sake of their children. The more parents can agree on the details of separate parenting, the better it will be for them and their children. And mediators are skilled at getting the parents to recognize this fact and then move forward towards negotiating a sensible parenting agreement. If there is a history of abuse or the parents initially cannot stand to be in the same room with each other, the mediator can meet with each parent separately and ferry messages back and forth until agreement on at least some issues is reached. At this point, the parties may be willing to meet face-to-face.

Basic Pointers
There's actually a good bit you can do to make your children's lives easier while you go through divorce:

1. Be available to listen.
2. To the extent possible, tell your children why you are divorcing. And if at all possible, no matter how painful, try to tell them when the whole family (including both spouses and all children) is together.
3. Be yourself. You can't be both parents.
4. Reassure your children early and often that your divorce is not their fault.
5. Don't use the child as a messenger in parental communications, as in "Tell your father he's late with the child support payment."
6. Don't argue or fight with your spouse while the child is listening. Experts say the amount of conflict the child witnesses during and immediately after divorce is a crucial factor in his or her adjustment.
7. Divorce is a time of great change for both of you and for your children. Try to minimize these changes. For example, try to keep them in the same school and home if possible, as well as the same afternoon and evening activities.
8. Try to use consistent discipline. For example, try to agree with each other about what movies or TV programs are permitted, what bedtime is appropriate, what language is permitted, etc.
9. Don't use the child as a weapon. Children need quality time with both parents. It's unfair to restrict their access to one of their parents, no matter how willing the children may seem at the time.
10. Don't use the child as a spy. If they want to tell you about time spent with their other parent (and they usually don't), listen closely and politely, and then stop. If they don't volunteer any information, try simply, "Have a good time? Good."
11. Don't make your children take sides in any dispute with your spouse. Children generally want to make both their parents happy. Don't make them choose.
12. Don't criticize your spouse in front of the child. Remember that your spouse is still your child's parent; when you criticize your spouse, whether you mean to or not, you're also criticizing your child indirectly.
13. Let your child be a child. It's easy, but wrong, to make your adolescent child, or even your adult child, a confidant in dealing with your recovery, your dating life, or your fears. Even if children seem capable of handling these concerns without ill effects, they rarely are.
14. Don't be afraid to get outside help for yourself or your child. Sometimes children of divorcing parents are angry or scared, and they don't know how to deal with their feelings. So they "act out," meaning they misbehave. When your children "act out," a professional counselor or therapist may be helpful to coach them through more constructive ways of expressing their feelings.
15. Keep your promises. Another way to put this is, don't make promises you don't know you can keep. Consistently keeping your promises lets your child know that he or she can trust you, which will help him or her adjust to your divorce more easily. Divorcing parents often make unrealistic promises out of guilt. If you've made a promise and realize later you can't keep it, acknowledge it to your child. You may think he or she has forgotten about the promise, but this rarely happens.
16. Don't give up. Even if you're separated by distance, there are all kinds of things you can do to be a good parent.
17. Take care of yourself. One of the easiest mistakes to make in divorce is to get so busy dealing with everyone else's pain that you forget to get help for yourself. Enter counseling, meet with your minister or rabbi, anything you can think of to keep your own sanity. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your children.
18. Maintain relationships and routines. One of the many reasons divorce is so painful for children is that their relationship with each parent is constantly being tested and redefined. One of the gifts you can give your children is to allow as many parts of their life as possible to remain unchanged. Like relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles, neighbors and friends. Anger

The Problem
Children whose parents are divorcing have a great deal to be angry about. Just about every child going through divorce is an angry child. There may be exceptions, but not many.

Don't take comfort that your child seems to be adjusting to your divorce without anger. Many children who portray a calm, even cheerful demeanor through divorce are seething inside, and they may later express their anger in destructive ways, like depression (anger turned inward), substance abuse, and/or delinquency. In addition, repressed anger often shows up disguised as sickness, for example, headaches, sleeplessness, nausea, and diarrhea.

What to Do
Figure out ways that both you and your children can better understand anger. The first principle both of you need to understand is that anger as a feeling is normal, appropriate, and healthy. Neither you nor your child should attempt to suppress angry feelings. What both of you must do is to develop healthy ways of dealing with anger as behavior so that it doesn't harm persons or property.

All of us can benefit from talking about our feelings more, particularly angry children. The problem with this for you is that it takes really tough skin.

Can you listen to your own child say "I'm angry with you" or "I hate you" without feeling a need to defend yourself?

Can you listen to your own child say "I hate Daddy (Mommy) without jumping in to agree or disagree? Can you hear your child talk about how miserable he or she is without jumping in to fix it? If so, good, if not, get your child with someone who can.

The need to deal with anger constructively is particularly critical with absent fathers. This means that mothers must allow (sometimes force) access with fathers, and fathers must allow children to express their anger directly. If you're an absent father, try to model for your child the constructive expression of anger by talking about your own anger (but not your anger toward your child's mother) openly and honestly. Anxiety

The Problem
We all worry. Worry is normal and sometimes healthy. When fears continue over several days or weeks, however, or when they interfere with our ability to carry out normal routines, we may need help to deal with them. Children of divorcing parents often struggle with anxiety.

Anxiety comes about through feelings of abandonment, changes in living conditions, embarrassment, guilt, concern about additional separations, and a haunting fear of additional unknown trouble that must be somewhere in the future.

Some of the physical symptoms of continuing anxiety are nausea, diarrhea, headaches, and dizziness, as well as (particularly in younger children) thumb-sucking and bed-wetting. Children suffering from anxiety often become demanding or clingy, and they may pull back from pre-existing friendships with their peers.

What to Do
First, deal with your own perfectly normal feelings of anxiety with someone other than your child. Your child has enough problems to deal with without having to serve as your counselor or confidant. Don't be afraid to ask your child to tell you about his or her fears, and be willing to listen to them - all of them.

Be willing to hear and respond to the same fear over and over. Just because you've explained before why you and the child are not going to have to leave this school district doesn't mean the fear isn't still there. Your child may need to express it again and hear your explanation again.

As you listen to your child, be realistic in responding to the fears he or she expresses. If the fear is that Mommy never will come back, and you honestly don't know whether Mommy will ever come back, you need to say so. By the same token, of course, whenever you can offer reassurance that a fear will not come true, do so, patiently, logically, and thoroughly.

Do whatever you can, within the constraints of the divorce itself, to give your child a stable environment. Your child is under siege from all the changes in his or her life. Anything you can do to minimize those changes, especially in the critical first few months after your separation, will ease your child's anxiety. Comprehensive Questionnaire - This questionnaire can be used in your private practice when dealing with divorce and custody issues.

Do you believe that all the children should live in the same residence?
Yes _______. No _______.

Why or why not?
Do you believe the children should live with you or with your co-parent?
With you ________. With the other parent ________.

Why?
If the children were to live with you, what efforts would you make to ensure that they spend time with and have a meaningful relationship with the other parent?

Please answer this question even if you have said the children should live with you:
If the children were to live with the other parent, what efforts would you expect the other parent to make to ensure that they spend time with and have a meaningful relationship with you?

Assuming the children were to live with you, when should they spend time with the other parent? Weekends? Weeknights? Summer? Should you design a separate schedule for use when the two of you are separated by distance?

Assuming the children were to live with the other parent, when should they spend time with you? Weekends? Weeknights? Summer? Should you design a separate schedule for use when the two of you are separated by distance?

Should the children spend time on the telephone with the other parent other than during scheduled visitation? How often? For how long? Should there be a set time or just whenever? Should the residential parent agree not to interfere with or listen in on these calls? Who should pay for them?

If babysitting is needed, should the other parent be the first-choice babysitter? If so, how (and how far in advance) should you contact each other about this?

Do you intend to continue living in the same area until all the children are adults?
Yes _______. No _______.

Why or why not?
If you moved away, where do you think you might move?

How closely should the two of you live to each other while the children are growing up?

What restrictions or agreements should the two of you make, if any, about what happens if one of you moves away from the area?

If you're separated by distance, who should pay for the children to travel? Should there be an adjustment in child support?

What special arrangements, if any, need to be made on the following holidays? Martin Luther King
Valentine's Day
Washington's Birthday
Spring Break
Easter
Mother's Day
Memorial Day
Father's Day
Independence Day
Labor Day
Rosh Hashanah
Yom Kippur
Halloween
Thanksgiving
Hanukkah
Christmas Eve
Christmas Day
New Year's Eve
New Year's Day
Winter break
Child's Birthday
Your birthday
Other relative's birthday
Other

Should your children continue in the same school system they now attend?
Yes _______. No _______.

Why or why not?
Should both of you have access to the following?
Grade reports? ________
Notice of all school events? ________
Notice of all extracurricular events? ________
Visits with teachers? _______
Ability to visit children in class? ________
Ability to eat lunch with children? ________

Should the two of you consult with each other about major educational decisions (for example, whether to change schools, or whether to take advanced level courses)? If you should, how should you resolve differences between the two of you?

If you should not consult with each other about major educational decisions, should the one of you who is not consulted receive any notice of such decisions?

What arrangements need to be made now about higher education? Should both parents contribute to the cost of college? If so, how should you share these costs?

What restrictions, if any, should be placed on your duty to contribute to college (e.g., public college only? grade point average?)

What advance savings arrangements, if any, should you agree to make to pay for college?

Athletics
Are there particular sports that are particularly important to one of more of your children? For each one, is either of you more oriented toward that sport than the other?

Are there particular sports in which one of your more children should not participate, or should not participate until a given age? If so, what are they, and why?

Spiritual Life
What sort of spiritual involvement should the children receive? What level of attendance in church or synagogue is important to you?

If the two parents disagree about spiritual matters, how should you resolve the disagreement?

Should the children attend the same church or synagogue regardless of which parent is with them during the weekend? If not, should there be any requirement or restriction about church or synagogue attendance? If so, are there any arrangements you need to make to avoid conflict?

Are there any church or synagogue activities the children should attend during the week?

Medical and Dental Care

What arrangements if any should be made for health insurance for the children? Which doctors or clinics should they use?

How should you pay for health expenses not covered by insurance, such as co-pays, deductibles, prescription drugs, eyeglasses and contacts, dental expenses, braces, psychological counseling, treatment for pre-existing conditions?

Should both of you have access to the following?

Access to medical reports? ________
Advance notice of medical exams? ________
Notification of emergency care? ________
Right to independent visits with doctors? ________

Financial
How should the two of you share the costs of supporting your child? Should you simply apply the child support guidelines in effect in your state? If so, what arrangements will the two of you make to compare information about your income and relevant expenses so both of you can re-compute child support periodically?

If you do not apply the states guidelines, what arrangements should you make about the costs of supporting your child?

Which of you should claim which children as a tax deduction?

What general savings (that is, in addition to or separate from college costs) should be set aside for your children? Who should contribute to them, and who should manage them?

Miscellaneous

Are there particular relatives or friends with whom it's important for your children to spend time and maintain a relationship? With whom it's important they not spend time or have a relationship? Are there any stepchildren or stepparents with whom it's important for your children to spend time and maintain a relationship? With whom it's important they not spend time or have a relationship? Understanding that all couples who have divorced experience conflict and difficulty communicating, are there particular issues between you and your spouse that need to be considered as you develop your parenting plan?

How would you prefer that the other parent contact you? In person? By telephone at home? By telephone at work? By mail? By e-mail? By fax? Through a third party?

What restrictions should both of you follow in communicating about the marriage or the other parent to the children? _______ Should you agree not to criticize each other?

______ Should you agree not to use the children to deliver messages or information to or from the other spouse?

______ Should you agree not to discuss divorce issues or money issues in front of the children?

______ What other understandings or arrangements should you have with each other?

What other issues or concerns should you and the other parent discuss and reach agreement on at this stage in your negotiations?

When You and I Disagree

There's no one right way to deal with conflict. If divorcing spouses are careful to work with differences correctly, they can use the disagreements they have in divorce negotiations to emerge with terms that allow both of them to survive and move on with their lives.

Conflict scares us. It often hurts us. It seems like something we need to stay away from. When we have a disagreement with someone, it jumps to the top of our priority list, and we can't stop thinking about it. Our minds hurtle along with a mixture of anger, resentment, fear, doubt, and regret. For the overwhelming majority of us, conflict is unpleasant.

But conflict also often opens doors. Conflict forces us to look again at what's important and what's not. It allows us to change the way we relate to each other. It gives us ways to improve who we are professionally and emotionally. As hard as it is to believe, conflict is opportunity.

There's not just one right way to deal with conflict - there are many right ways. If I understand all the responses that are possible, I can do a better job of choosing the one that works best for me, for now, for this situation. My responses to a given conflict can fall into one of five basic groups:

• Avoid
• Give in
• Compromise
• Compete
• Collaborate

Because collaboration is so difficult, and so unfamiliar for most of us, I've laid out in detail How to Collaborate:

• Listening
• Restating
• Generating alternatives
• Evaluating alternatives

Avoid

I can retreat or withdraw from a conflict, choosing not to deal with it. Or choosing not to deal with it at this time or in this place.

There are several ways to avoid conflict. In many cases, I can ignore a statement that the other person makes. I can leave the room. I can change the subject. I can acknowledge the statement the other person makes but not acknowledge the conflict it carries with it. I can simply run away.

Avoiding conflict is quick, simple, and usually easy. It usually preserves appearances for others. It pushes the conflict away when I need to deal with something else. The major disadvantage of avoiding conflict, of course, is that the conflict remains. Unless someone does something else, the conflict will resurface later, and I will have to deal with it again.

Avoiding is often an effective strategy for conflicts that are unimportant. If I prefer Coke and you like apple juice, it may not matter in any real way, particularly if there's a way both of us can enjoy the drink we prefer.

Give In

I can allow the other person to get whatever it is that he or she wants. I can let them win. When I give in, I accept the other person's position as the one to implement, and I agree to change my behavior to fit it. Giving in means allowing another person's needs and preferences to prevail over mine.

Giving in is like avoidance in that it is quick, simple, and easy, and in that it preserves appearances. Giving in has an advantage over avoidance in that it ends the conflict. When I give in, presumably the conflict will not resurface unless I want it to.

One disadvantage of giving in is that I fail to satisfy my own needs, because I have necessarily sacrificed them to those of another person. Another disadvantage is that I may resent the person to whom I gave in, which may affect my ability to work with this person later.

Compromise

I can choose a position that is a middle ground between the two of us. Each of us gives up something to find a position that's somewhere between the position you want and the position I want.

Compromise allows us to find a solution where neither of us feels that our needs were ignored, where both of us feel that we got something. It is relatively easy to accomplish, because compromise is almost always simple. Compromise has a feeling of fairness.

Compromise effectively ends the conflict and is less likely to result in feelings of resentment from either of us. Compromise results in a solution that both of us can accept so both of us can move on.

I think compromise is vastly overrated and frankly overused as a way of ending conflict. The first disadvantage of compromise is that the middle ground may not be the best position to take. It may sometimes even be worse than either of our original positions.

The second disadvantage is that compromise necessarily discounts the initial suggestions made by both parties without reflection about which suggestions were more thoughtful, reasonable, or fair. In doing so, it rewards those who make unreasonable offers and punishes those who make reasonable offers.

The third and most important disadvantage of compromise is the interaction that it breeds over time. If you and I have a habit of compromising over time, one or both of us will begin declaring at the outset a position we know to be unreasonable, so that the compromise solution will be about where we want it. Knowing we always compromise pushes us further and further apart and is inherently wasteful in the long run.

This is distressingly evident in the way many lawyers negotiate in adversarial divorce and in caucus style mediation. Knowing as they do that the tendency is to compromise eventually, they will push their client to articulate positions that are unreasonable and overreaching on the theory that "you need some room to negotiate." The problem is that this slows down the process of reaching agreement and exacerbates mistrust between spouses when that trust is already at a low point.

Compete

I can insist on my way. I can reject your position and protect my own. I can use power to win. Competing has the advantage of ending conflict. It also allows me to have my way. If I have enough power, competing is also relatively quick and simple.

My power can come from my formal authority within the organization, or the support of my peer group. It can come from my sheer persistence in advancing my position. It can come from many other sources, including education, job security, race, gender, age, sexual orientation, physical size and strength, and weapons. Power can also come from laws, judges, and police.

Competing is often the best solution when the issue is important, when a core principle of mine is on the line, or when health or safety is at issue. It's also best when I'm dealing with someone who seems to stir up conflict for no good reason and after I've tried other ways to resolve the issues between us.

The primary disadvantage of competing is the resentment it may produce in the other person when I insist on my way or when I rely on power to win. It's a high price to pay, so I have to pick my fights carefully. Collaborate

I can work with you to identify both our needs and then to find a position that responds to both. It may be your position, it may be my position, it may be a compromise, or it may be a solution that neither of has considered before.

Collaboration allows us to explore thoroughly the needs of both of us. In the process of collaborating on a solution, we will generate many alternatives that may give rise to other creative work later. In the overwhelming majority of cases, collaboration offers us the chance to find a better solution.

The major disadvantage of collaboration is the time, energy, and focus that it takes. Collaboration is not the solution for every problem.

But when you and I have a deep conflict and both of us really believe we are right, collaboration can bring about some wonderful results, including a permanent, mutually satisfying resolution of the conflict.

How to Collaborate

Collaboration is a process of listening, restating, generating alternatives, and evaluating alternatives. Each stage is important; we can't skip any of them, although we certainly can move back and forth between them as we work together.

Listening

First I need you to listen to me, fully, completely, and with absolute focus. I need you to make sure you hear me describe what my needs are. You need to make sure you don't interrupt me to react to what I say. The only reason you have for interrupting me is to ask me to repeat or clarify a statement that you're afraid you missed.

You need to let me talk until I stop by myself. And then you need to keep silent. You need to embrace the silence. Because it's after the silence that I may tell you what is really troubling me.

Restating

Next, to demonstrate to me that you really did hear what I said, I need you to restate what you heard me say. It may be painful. It may be criticism of you or of groups that are important to you. But I need you to restate it so I know you've heard me.

Listening and restating is probably the hardest part about collaborating, because it doesn't come naturally to most of us. We tend to stop and fix things. We tend to defend our position. Collaboration requires that we first listen and restate. True collaboration can't get started until we first do those things.

As I restate what I heard you say, you may realize that I still don't understand. You can say "No, that's not it. It's really this way." We cycle back to listening, and I get another chance to understand what your real concern is. So we each listen and restate, listen and restate, until I'm convinced deep in my gut that you understand me, until you're convinced deep in your gut that I understand you.

Only after I'm deeply convinced that you've heard me and understand what I'm trying to accomplish can I be ready to hear your perspective. But now I'm more likely to listen, because I know you've heard and understood me.

Generating Alternatives

If I'm deeply convinced that you've heard me and understand what I'm trying to accomplish, we're ready to start generating alternatives. Maybe we just call them out, but we might even get to the point of writing them down on a sheet of paper or on a board so we can both see them together.

We can get creative here. Have some fun. Think of wacky solutions. And again, embrace silence. Often the most creative alternatives will come after a period of prolonged silence.

Evaluating Alternatives

After we have a thorough list of alternatives, we're ready to begin evaluating. I need to know as we evaluate that you're paying just as much attention to my needs as you are to your own. I also need to know that you're not simply paying lip service to my needs to make me feel better. If you do that, I'll figure it out right away and withdraw from the process.

As we evaluate, we can begin crossing some alternatives off our list. You also may realize as we go that you don't yet understand what's important to me. If so, there's no reason not to go back and do some more listening and restating. We may even do more brainstorming once we understand each other better.

We may finish with a solution that neither of us had thought of that responds to both of our needs better than either of the solutions we were considering before. We may also discover that there is no solution that satisfies both our needs. When this happens, we have several alternatives. We can choose one of the other responses to conflict described above, like compromising or competing, or we could even decide that we need to deal with the problem separately because we have such different perspectives on it.

Suicide and Divorce

The fact that you're divorced or thinking about divorce places you at greater risk for suicide.

The Effect of Divorce on Suicide Risk

One recent study by the National Institute for Healthcare Research in Rockville, MD indicates that divorced people are three times as likely to commit suicide as people who are married. The Institute says that divorce now ranks as the number one factor linked with suicide rates in major U.S. cities, ranking above all other physical, financial, and psychological factors.

A study of 13 European countries by the regional European office of the World Health Organization found that divorce was the only factor linked with suicide in every one of the 13 countries. The study showed that factors like poverty, unemployment, and disability were associated with divorce in some of the countries but that disruption of the family was the only factor linked with divorce in all 13. The coroner of Butler County, Ohio stated that in the late 80's he thought the high rate of suicide in that area was traceable to men's inability to cope with divorce. Dr. Richard Burkhardt said he thought women were more likely to feel needed after divorce because they needed to take care of children. But men, he said, felt cut off from their role as head of the household and felt they had no reason to live. Statistically, women are more likely to attempt suicide, but men are more likely to succeed. Suicide is more likely among men over age 65, among young people, among disabled people, and among people in lower socio-economic groups.

Danger Signs

If you're thinking about killing yourself, you already know how close you are to suicide. An estimated 80% of people who commit suicide actually exhibit signs of their intentions before they kill themselves. Here are some of the signs that a person may be thinking about suicide:

• Giving away prized possessions.
• Speaking in an unusual way about deep feelings for a person, or particularly a succession of people.
• Increased drug or alcohol use.
• Sleeping too much or too little.
• Withdrawing from friends.
• Withdrawing from social activities.
• Making out a will, making funeral arrangements, etc.
• Loss of interest in personal appearance.
• Risky behaviors and thrill-seeking
• Dwelling on death or suicide in poetry, music, art, or creative writing
• Paradoxically, a suddenly elevated mood (sometimes people actually cheer up when they've made up their mind to kill themselves, as if a burden has been lifted).

Obviously, many of these behaviors occur in people who have never given a moment's thought to suicide. Our task is to look for patterns and to be ready to intervene when they emerge.

The most important and most alarming sign of suicide is in the words people use. Here are some of the statements people might make or joke about as they contemplate suicide:

• "I think it's time to end it all."
• "I think I may just check out,"
• "I don't think I can take this any more."
• "Life isn't worthwhile" or "Life isn't worth living anymore."
• "Life stinks and I'm tired of it."
• "I sometimes just want to die."
  And sometimes the statements are less direct:
• "Sometimes I just want to sleep forever."
• "They'll be sorry when I'm gone."
• "I'm so worthless."
• "I think the pain will be over soon."
• "Life is more complicated for everybody because of me."

People are at greater risk to commit suicide if they have a close friend or family member who has committed suicide. They are at far greater risk to commit suicide if they have tried to do it before.

What You Can Do

We often shy away from confronting suicide because we believe that mentioning it might make a person start thinking about it when they weren't before, or conclude it's okay when they didn't think so before. Researchers tell us there's little risk of that.

If you see enough of the Danger Signs to be concerned there's a risk of suicide, you need to act. The quickest and most decisive way to deal with a risk of suicide is to ask about it -- directly.

Here's the plan. When someone says one of those statements I've listed above or anything else that makes you concerned they're thinking about suicide, simply ask, "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" Most people will say something like "Oh, no. I'm having a tough time of it, but I'm not thinking about suicide." Sometimes, though, they will say something like "Yeah, it's crossed my mind." If they do, don't panic. Stay calm, and ask, "How would you do it?" If they don't really know how they would do it, you should be concerned but it may be safe to leave them alone temporarily. You should have them sign a no-suicide contract. The idea here is to get them to agree that before they hurt themselves, they will call you or some other resource, and talk over what they are planning to do.

If they have a specific plan, as in "The shotgun is in the upstairs closet and there are two shells on the middle shelf," you need to stay with them until you can get a plan together with their family and or friends. For more details on suicide please see CeUnitsAtHome.com's training on Suicide.

Death after Divorce

The clich? about divorce is that your relationship and the fallout from your divorce continue as long as both of you are living. Not so fast. The pain continues even in death.

I've seen it enough times now to realize just how devastating it is for your divorced spouse to die. The problems are probably much deeper than I realize, but here are the ones I've already identified:

• It hurts more
• The family doesn't know what to do with you
• The community doesn't help

It Hurts More

Where on earth did we get the idea that my feelings for my spouse end because a judge has signed a divorce decree? Anybody who's been divorced knows how wrong that is. Even in the stormiest, most destructive divorce, there are still feelings there for the person who used to share your bed and your life. No, the feelings don't go away. It's just that you're not permitted to talk about them any more. When my spouse dies after divorce, I grieve over the loss of that person. Yes, I know you can't stand your spouse now, but hear me out. There will still be a sense of loss if they die before you.

And in the midst of grieving over the loss of my divorced spouse, I'm also grieving over the relationship as I wish it could have been. And in the midst of grieving over the loss of my former spouse and grieving over the relationship as I wish it could have been, I'm usually forced to go back and relive the experience of my divorce and the unhappiness that led up to it. That's why I say the loss of your divorced spouse hurts more.

The Family Doesn't Know What to Do With You

When the family thinks through whom to tell about a person's death, and whom to consult, they rarely think of the divorced spouse. We often assume that the marriage is ended, and so is the relationship.

Families don't know what to do with divorced spouses. Do you invite them to view the casket? Do you invite them to sit in the room for visitation? Do they sit with the family? Do you invite them over for food after the service? And families are busy dealing with their own stuff when they've lost a loved one. They're rarely able to focus on others' feelings.

Lucy and Steve divorced six years ago when he met and fell in love with a woman who worked with him. Their two teenage children spent most of their time with Lucy but visited Steve often. When Steve's drinking and smoking caught up with him and he died of a heart attack, all the old stuff came roaring back for Lucy. I spotted her at the funeral. She stood awkwardly in one corner of the room, not quite accepted by the family, unable to leave, and uncertain as to what role to play.

She felt terrible, but she wasn't allowed to grieve. Her children were clearly part of the family. They belonged. Lucy felt for them and wanted to be there to support them. But yet she wasn't really part of the family herself, so she had to keep her distance. It was a miserable experience.

The Community Doesn't Help

When the spouse of one of our friends dies, we know what to do. We call. We send flowers or a card. We visit. We take a casserole.

When there's an ex-spouse involved, the first problem is that we often don't even think of the former spouse. It just doesn't even cross our mind that they might still have feelings for the person who died. The second problem is that we generally don't know what to do. Should we call? Should we try to cheer up the ex-spouse? Will the ex-spouse be offended that we thought they might still love this person?

Because we're confused, we do what humans naturally do when they're confused:

We do nothing.

The number one complaint I've heard from ex-spouses after the death of their former husband or wife is that they went through it alone.

No calls.
No flowers.
No cards.
No visits.
No casseroles.
Just pain. And loneliness. And regret. And more pain.

The Role of Judges in Divorce

The peculiar challenge of divorce is that there are few real villains. The system of ending marriages is managed by judges, for example, who are working hard and dealing with crushing caseloads and the stress of dealing every day with raw, bleeding emotional wounds. Imagine how stressful it would be to make decisions every day about the people's lives, using only the sketchiest of information about them and about how they will cope with the decisions you must make.

One of the most exasperating challenges judges face is with litigants who come to court on Tuesday demanding immediate relief from an abusive spouse and who have moved back in with the abuser by the following weekend. Over years, judges quite naturally come to place more trust in the lawyers who practice regularly before them (and whom they see every day) than in the divorcing spouses who pass briefly and painfully before them.

The Role of Lawyers in Divorce

The gladiators who work in divorce court are, by and large, not an evil lot. They too are doing the best job they know to do, in the best way they know to do it. Many of them are men and women of competence, compassion, and dignity who care deeply for their clients. Many of them have become cynical, however, after years of getting beat up by this lousy adversarial system we've developed.

Talk to your spouse

Of course you don't want to talk to your spouse. You're getting a divorce, and one of the main reasons you're getting it is a difficulty in your relationship with your spouse.

If you can't talk to your spouse, your divorce will take longer and cost more and your children will suffer throughout the process and beyond. In all likelihood, it will probably hurt more too in the long run, because things will drag out and you will realize at some point that you have lost control.

Even though it hurts, keep the lines of communication and negotiation open to the extent you can. It's essential if you're working to stay in control.

Talking with your spouse is a two-way street, of course. If your spouse refuses to talk to you, you may be stuck dealing with him or her through lawyers, at least at the beginning. If this is the case for you, don't keep trying to start a conversation; that will make your spouse run from you. Simply make sure you remain open to direct communication. You may be surprised how soon the opportunity will present itself.

Child Custody in the Real World

Despite the formal custody factors that most states call for in determining where children should live after divorce, the judges who actually apply those factors may look at the question quite differently. Here are the factors that judges actually seem to use in deciding where children should live. This is not an official statement, and it doesn't represent anyone's official opinion.

• Preference for the status quo
• Who has consistently performed key parenting activities for the child
• Who will help ensure that the other parent spends time with the child.
• Morality
• Track record of success
• Standard of living
• Quality of school system
• Stability
• Relations with extended family
• What the child wants (depending on the child's age and maturity)

Preference for the Status Quo Most judges want to leave things alone. If the parents have been separated for several months and living with their father, the preference for the mother is likely to be lost. By the same token, if the children have been alternating between Mom's house and Dad's house, most judges would be inclined to leave well enough alone and order that pattern to continue.

Who Has Consistently Performed Key Parenting Activities for the Child
For example, who gets the child up in the morning, picks out his clothes, helps her brush her teeth, takes him to school? Who picks him up from school, fixes the afternoon snack, fixes supper, makes sure homework gets done? Who supervises bath time at night, reads a story, Who Will Help Ensure That the Other Parent Spends Time with the Child If one of the parents has consistently interfered with visitation, or even if the evidence is unclear but it always seems too difficult, some judges would consider having the child live with the other parent in the hope that the other parent will do a better job of allowing parenting time for both Mom and Dad.

Track Record of Success
If the child was doing well in school (or even performing at an average level) with one parent, and if the child has been struggling since she went to live with the other parent, courts will consider seriously whether she should return to the original arrangement. The same goes for attendance, and to a lesser extent performance in extracurricular activities.

Quality of School System

Judges pay attention to things like class size, availability of extracurricular activities (particularly of the kind the child would seem to enjoy), quality of teaching, and percentage of the student body that goes to college. This sometimes work to the disadvantage of the parent who lives in a less wealthy area.

Stability

When Mom has moved every six months depending on which boyfriend has a new car and Dad has lived in the same simple apartment for five years that will help Dad. Judges usually believe that a more stable environment is more nurturing for children.

Relations with Extended Family

It may not take a village to raise a child, but aunts, uncles, and grandparents sure can help. Judges pay attention to that.

The Child's Preference

Below age seven, most judges don't want to hear anything about the preferences of a child and may have a negative response to the parent who attempts to make a child state them. At age 14 or above, it becomes difficult for a judge to ignore the preferences of a child. After all, what judge doesn't understand how miserable a 15 year old child can make life for the custodial parent if he doesn't want to be there? Between the ages of 7 and 14, judges seem to apply their judgment about the maturity of the child. For example, a 10 year old child who says, "I want to live with my Dad, because when I'm there I have a quiet place to study, regular mealtimes, and a consistent bedtime so that I feel good going to school" is going to get more attention from the judge than a 13 year old who says "I want to live with my Dad because he has a swimming pool and drives a Porsche."

Understanding and Dealing With Children During Divorce

A great deal of study and thought has been given to knowing more about the impact of divorce on children. While there is growing agreement among researchers and practitioners about the effects of divorce, there is still a lot we don't know. We have not reached a point that we can be specific about the impact of divorce on a specific child. What we do know is that the impact will vary with each child depending the child's age, gender, maturity, psychological health and whether or not other supportive adults are able to be a regular part of their lives. However, there are some generalizations that apply in nearly every situation. Generalizations

• Ongoing abuse (e.g. child abuse, domestic violence) that cannot be stopped is more damaging to children than divorce itself.
• Divorce can be the right decision and can be handled responsibly.
• Divorce itself does not have a positive impact on a child's life and development.
• Girls tend to handle divorce better and have fewer serious problems than boys.
• Divorce is a failure of a couple's commitment to their marital and family roles. This includes parental responsibilities to their children's psychological and emotional development. Divorce has its most negative impact when one or both parents abandon responsibility for their child's social and emotional development.
• The negative impact of a divorce is not canceled out by new conditions or changes that may be positive. Put simply, divorce is bad for children. Children don't need perfect parents, they need "good enough" parents.
• At best, a divorce or separation may help prevent abuse between parents that is a result of living together. The resulting changes in location, environment and family structure may have a positive influence (but not necessarily). This does not mean neglectful, abusive or retaliatory behavior won't occur.
• Children don't grasp or appreciate how parents can stop loving each other, separate or divorce. Children lose some degree of trust in others or themselves. They often fear that one or both parents may abandon them. They can feel guilty even when they have nothing to do with the turmoil between parents. They feel especially guilty when they created conflict or were the source of conflict between parents.
• Divorce often makes parenting and raising children more difficult. If there were conflicts or disagreements over parenting before a divorce, those problems will usually be worse and not better after the divorce.
• Children raised in conflicted and marginally functional homes have fewer problems and develop in a manner that is often superior in many ways to those children whose parents divorce.
• It is important for children to have good enough parents within a functional home environment that is free of ongoing abuse. It is not necessary for a mother and father to be "in love" or romantically involved to be good parents and to raise healthy children.
• The responsibilities of parents include providing an environment that is understanding, reassuring, open, kind, respectful and firm. Emotions of love and romantic love between a husband and wife play an important role in a marriage. That relationship in a marriage is the responsibility of a husband and a wife to create and maintain. The roles of a mother and father are different responsibilities than those of husband and wife.

The Child's Point of View

The perspective and feelings of children are not usually considered when parents make their decision to divorce. Parents may think about their children's well-being, but it is very rare that parents will ask directly or "consult' with their children during their discussions or decisions to divorce. The following are comments from insightful teenagers who wanted their parents and other children to understand the importance and impact of a divorce.

Why don't parents ask the kids?
"Because they don't care about their opinion, or it doesn't affect their progress on working on their problems. Parents can get away with divorce. Kids can't get away with anything."

Why do parents divorce?
"Because when you give them the ability to divorce they just abuse it."

Don't parents care? If the parents say "We want to get a divorce." And the kids say "We shall be sad." The parents don't say "O.K., we'll stay together." That never happens. That's what comedians are.

How did your parents divorce make you feel?
"Like I have no effect. Like I'm a bystander. Like they know how I feel, but they don't care."

How do you feel about your parents?
"My opinion is lower because I thought they would be more mature and solve their problems. They didn't even ask what it would do to me."

What do you think parents need to know?
"I just think they deserve to suffer a lot just to know what its like."

When parents make a decision to divorce and children are expected to cope with the decision. Except in cases involving abuse, it is rare that children will thrive during a divorce. The impact of divorce is that children will have problems and experience symptoms. This may include one or more of the following:

• Impulsive and impatient behavior
• Anger at others
• Oppositional, rebellious, defiant, or conduct problems
• Breaking rules and testing limits
• Destructive behavior
• Anger at self
• Self-blame or guilt
• Self-destructive or self-harming behavior
• Drug or alcohol use
• Apathy or failure to accept responsibility
• Early or increased sexual activity
• Isolation and Withdrawal
• Suicidal thoughts or behavior
• Violent thoughts or behavior
• Superficially positive behavior Information And Steps Parents Can Take
• Spend regular time with your children. Maintain a familiar routine as much as possible. Keep your commitments and the promises you make to your children.
• Seek immediate advice and consultation from a qualified mental health professional or crisis intervention specialist if you suspect any critical symptoms involving alcohol and other drug abuse, a risk of suicide or a risk of violence.
• Seek advice and consultation from a qualified health care professional if your children have pre-existing mental, emotional or psychological problems.
• Seek advice and consultation from a qualified health care professional if you feel overwhelmed and unable to respond effectively to the emotional needs of your children. This can be a tremendous support and can help you deal effectively with your children and spouse.
• If you can't or don't know how to make things better for your child, don't make matters worse.
• Do not rely on your children for emotional support. (Take care of yourself. Spare your children that additional emotional burden and responsibility.)
• Do not manipulate, pressure or lie in order to make your children take sides or to support you.
• Do not expose children to your arguments, abusive behavior or conflicts.
• Do not tell children how they should feel.
• Do not argue or become angry with children if they disagree with how you believe they should be feeling.

Each year, thousands of children are affected by separation or divorce.

Hurt, pain, loss, and anger are a few of the feelings you may have about your separation or divorce. And while this may be one of the most painful or stressful periods in your life, it's at least doubly so for your children.

If you believe your children will be unaffected by your divorce, you'll be surprised to learn that all children of divorce suffer emotional injury. The question is not whether they will be hurt, but how badly they will be hurt.

Discipline problems are usually what spur parents to seek help for their child. Discipline problems can stem from your child's inability to sort out his/her feelings or to adjust to the divorce -- or it might just mean that your child is lacking good coping skills. A child's negative behavior can result from fear, hostility, or insecurity, and it's a sign that your child needs attention.

Children's reactions vary, depending mostly on:

• the situation prior to the family separation,
• the amount of involvement with each parent,
• the parents' ease in adjusting and coping,
• the degree of conflict between parents,
• parenting skills/styles of both parents,
• approval and love from both parents,
• age/stage of child development.

MOST COMMON EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN by age/stage:

Toddlers:	irritability, withdrawal, regressive behaviors, clinging, whining, crying, sleeping problems, biting, fear of abandonment
Preschoolers:	regressive behaviors, fear, confusion, guilt, aggression, nightmares, grief, uncertainty, fantasies - fear of losing residential parent as well
Elementary school:	grief (yearning for lost parent), anger suppression/exaggeration, reunion fantasies, headaches, sense of rejection by parent who left, stomachaches, worries about future, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite/overeating, school problems begin : difficulty focusing, poor attention span, inappropriate behavior in class, aggression/withdrawal socially
Pre-teens:	hide/deny feelings, try to undo the divorce, anger, refusal to communicate, acting out, extreme behaviors (good/bad), moralistic/high-risk behavior, depression, loyalty issues, relationship problems
Teens:	anger, stress, fear of future, challenge/take control, highly verbal or non-communicative, negative view of parent(s), judgmental of parents, loyalty issues, financial concerns, conflicting emotions, questioning relationships/marriage itself - mistrust

Recipe For a Healthy Family by Sharon Shenker
"A strong link exists between life in the family and the kind of adults that that family's children become - it all starts in the family!"

• Does it feel good to live in your family?
• Do you feel like you are living with friends, people you like and trust, who like and trust you?

The family can be the place where one finds love, understanding and support. Yet, so many people never openly share their feelings because it just wasn't done in their family-of-origin. Often there were family rules, verbally explicit or nonverbally clear, such as: don't talk back; don't discuss family finances; don't discuss sex; and don't discuss your feelings. Or, perhaps, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Unfortunately, each of these examples leads to what is called a closed family system. A closed family system is disconnected; communication is restricted, and members feel alone or isolated. The atmosphere feels cold, uncomfortable, polite and boring. Members grow to feel guarded with each other and/or hostile; feel powerless or controlled and remain passive; or they wear a facade of indifference towards each other. Sometimes the air is full of secrecy with private whisperings, and outsiders are not often invited in.

An opened family system is responsive, sensitive and supportive of its members; people feel connected to each other as individuals and as a whole. Communication is open; the atmosphere is fun, accepting, and encouraging. Family members feel like they are living with trusted friends, enjoy and are encouraged to invite people over.

Creating a healthy opened family system for your children:

• Communicate openly and honestly about your feelings.
• Be sure your words and body language match.
• Don't confuse the person with the unwanted behavior.
• Listen more than you speak.
• Talk with, rather than at, the other person.
• Use open-ended questions that encourage and invite further communication.
• Hold Family Meetings
• The Temperature Reading (see chart below) is a means to building closer relationships, improving communication and raising self-esteem in families (couples, classrooms, workshops, staff meetings, etc.)

This is a very effective way for family members to change the "temperature" within them, between them, and among them.

Temperature Reading gives everyone an opportunity to voice both their satisfaction and dissatisfaction in a mutual context. It provides a safe and trusting context for straight communication, validation, and giving and receiving information in a congruent way.

During your family meeting go through each item in the Temperature Reading below, starting from the top to the bottom. Each person is to have their chance to speak and express their opinion on each item, if they want to.

Try to hold a meeting once a week until the kids look forward to these meetings and you can hold them even more frequently. Look for a quiet time and place without distractions to hold your meeting, and don't be disappointed if during the first meetings there are not a lot of big issues brought out. These will come along in time.

Remember to celebrate your successes as well as discussing problems.
Look for creative and collective solutions to any problems that are brought up. The object here is not just to solve problems but also to develop communication, and good communication needs nurturing, love and trust. As the trust develops so will the communication.

Seven Stages of Divorce

Spurned Dad Kills Family Jack Picard phoned his mother-in-law with heart-stopping news early yesterday - he said he was going to kill his wife and two daughters.
She called the police shortly after 5 a.m., but when they smashed their way through a locked patio door in they found all four family members shot dead.
Picard, 45, lay on the floor of his living room, along with his 42-year-old wife, Marion, and their daughters, Marie, 15, and Catherine, 12.
Jimmy Carrier of the police believe Picard killed his wife and children and himself, a theory supported by the call to Marion's mother.
"She told police she received a call informing her that (Picard) wanted to end the lives of the people living inside the house.
"We will have to meet with the neighbors and friends of these people ... but as far as we are concerned, the 45-year-old man did shoot his wife and kids."
Carrier said investigators found firearms inside the house but would not specify how many. Picard is reported to have held permits for hunting rifles.
Neighbors, said the family moved into the house a year ago and they appeared to be happy.
Barbara Hamel, who lived next door to the family, said Picard "was a very nice man."
"Sometimes our dog would take off and he was always ready to help us," she said.
"He'd even take his truck out and help us find the dog. He was a super nice guy," Hamel said.
Michael, 11, who attended school with Catherine, said the last time he saw her was at a class party to celebrate their final year of elementary school.
"If you were her friend, she was really nice, a real good person," Michael said.
"I'm feeling a mix of emotions. I'm very sad."
Sarah Homes, a close friend of Marie, couldn't believe the turn of events.
"I saw their father yesterday (Wednesday), he seemed in a world of his own and he looked sad," Homes said. "I never would have thought he'd do something like that. It's so sad because the children had nothing to do with it."
Sarah said the 15-year-old was "super nice" and was always smiling.
"She liked to go shopping and have fun like any other girl our age."
Spencer Mitchell, another next-door neighbor, said Picard worked in a tool machining shop and that he was an ardent fisherman. But Hamel was not aware that Picard owned firearms.
Mitchell, a contractor, said he became aware on Tuesday that Picard's marriage was in trouble.
Picard was involved in a dispute with the former owner of his house over who was responsible for repairs required on an exterior wall.
Picard wanted the former owner to pay him $500.
Mitchell said Picard told him, "My wife is leaving me. It's not working any more. I'm out on the street.
Hamel said that for several days, he did not see Picard's green pickup truck in the driveway of his home.
Late Wednesday night, Hamel noticed the vehicle was back in the driveway and he went to sleep assuming the couple was attempting reconciliation.
But when he woke up yesterday morning, Hamel said, he was shocked to find police cars parked in front of his house.
Adrien Binder, another neighbor, said he heard shots but thought "it was someone repairing his roof." "All I heard was just 'Bang, bang.' It sounded like a nail gun that uses compressed air. They were muffled sounds because my windows were closed."
Binder said he found it hard to believe that the family he often greeted with a friendly hello while he jogged in the morning was gone.
"They were very quiet neighbors with no problems.
"It's a tragedy."
From "Making Healthy Stepfamilies," by Gayle Peterson, Ph.D. MSSW
Strengthen the couple's bond: The key to any healthy family system is the mutual love, caring and respect that the partners share. Working through the predictable stresses of becoming a stepfamily secures your relationship. Take time to be alone and develop your bond independent of the children and parenting roles in the family. Resolving difficult parenting issues through honest sharing and understanding will build intimacy. Just remember to be patient with the desire for change.

It is important to remember that as a stepparent, you had a choice in the situation while the children did not. As the adult your responsibility must encompass an understanding that you will be expected to be concerned and involved in caring for these children and ensuring their sense of security in traveling through this transition.

Don't expect instant love:

Very often stepparents suffer from unrealistic expectations regarding the transition of blending families, resulting in feelings of helplessness and victimization. And very often natural parents share fantasies of the perfect family union, pressuring spouses to love children they do not even really know yet, or expecting a stepparent to discipline a child before an appropriate affection has grown between the two. Relationships take time. Realistic expectations between stepparents and children must include a gradual period of getting to know one another. There is no such thing as instant intimacy. Respect one another and take the time to become acquainted. Let the relationship build security and caring on its own merit, without pressure to fill the fantasy of loving one another before a solid "like" has been established. On the average, two to three years is the time period for developing these bonds and stabilizing the new family.

Allow losses to be mourned:
By the time of a second marriage, it is often a child's third family unit. The first being the biological parents' marriage, the second being a separate or single family unit and the third being the new relationship which involves a stepparent. Children need parental permission and understanding to grieve these losses, before embracing the new family system. Failure to accept mourning as a natural feeling may result in angry outbursts and potential alienation.

Parents also suffer loss, particularly if their own biological children are not living with them. Loyalty to previous members who used to live under one roof can make it a difficult process to bond to new members, but given time and respect for each others' feelings and boundaries, these bonds do grow.

Remember that every child is unique:
A small child will tend towards accepting the stepparent in a parental role differently than a teenager. Coming into a teenager's life may involve more of a friendship, depending on the individuals and needs involved, while coming into a family with a one-year-old will usually require parental nurturance and attachment similar to that of a primary parent. Adjust to the situation according to its' natural evolution. It is unrealistic to assume your authority will develop the same with a teenager as a young child. Respect boundaries and what has come before as well as being open to a different form of relating than your idealized interpretation of what family "should" be.

Create family rituals:
Every family develops its' own culture. This gives members a sense of belonging to an intimate group. Holiday rituals can be developed that are unique to the present constellation. Other elements, like specific kinds of jokes or well-intentioned humor can also go a long way in weaving a family together. Finding ways to laugh together will go along way towards establishing a sense of belonging.

Support children's relationship with other biological parent:
Supporting children's relationship to their biological parent who does not live in the stepfamily is important to healthy development. Keeping these situations separate will decrease chances for conflict with children being caught in the crossfire. There are situations that are not ideal but can be carefully managed to bring out cooperation and there are situations that experts recommend against for co-custody which may not allow for cooperation. In these more extreme cases (mental imbalance, parental dysfunction, or severe child rearing conflict) family researchers recommend decreased contact and no joint custody. However in the ideal, often with professional help, parents are able to get over past hurts and work in the agreed best interest of the children.

Understand that children come first:
Our children deserve our superior effort at understanding what is in their best interest, especially when feelings and struggles are intense, as they often are in the transition to a remarried family constellation. And it is a parents' job to be able to consider the needs of the child and expect to put them first when appropriate. This is the nature of parenthood. Whether you come by it biologically or through marriage, parenthood requires maturity.

Single Parents

Teaching effective discipline techniques to gain win-win results.

It's true that all parents face a variety of discipline challenges. Single parents, however, face unique challenges when it comes to discipline.

Many single parents, and especially those who are adoptive parents, widowed, or those whose children otherwise have no contact with their other parent, find being the sole disciplinarian can feel like a dictatorship until effective techniques are discovered. The techniques that work are usually the result of much trial and error, which translates to stress, bargaining, settling, giving up, giving in, and general confusion for the parent and the child.

Single parents whose children spend time with both parents through co-parenting, joint custody, or through other custody/visitation arrangements may find that regardless of the level of successful communication between the two parents, there can be wide discrepancies in the methods of discipline used by either parent. Children in this family dynamic are likely to have more difficulty with discipline due to the imbalance caused by differing sets of rules.

DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PUNISHMENT AND DISCIPLINE?

The terms discipline and punishment are sometimes used synonymously, leading to the misconception that they are one and the same. However, punishment is just one disciplinary measure parents might apply in order to instill discipline in their child.

DISCIPLINE:

• To train by instruction and practice, especially to teach self-control to.
• To teach to obey rules or accept authority.
• To punish in order to gain control or enforce obedience.
• To impose order on: needed to discipline their study habits.

PUNISHMENT:

• The act or an instance of punishing.
• The condition of being punished.
• A penalty imposed for wrongdoing: "The severity of the punishment must... be in keeping with the kind of obligation which has been violated" (Simone Weil).
• Rough handling; mistreatment: These old skis have taken a lot of punishment over the years.

So, punishment is a measure or method a parent, guardian or teacher uses to teach discipline to a child, so that the child learns to behave properly by autonomy or self-control. Other effective disciplinary measures in training children are rewards, reinforcement, consistency, example setting, and praise. Which brings us to another common misconception in effective discipline?

WHICH WORKS BEST, REWARD OR PUNISHMENT?

Some parents feel that a reward system is most effective in encouraging good behavior. Other parents reject rewarding a child for doing what he/she is supposed to do, instead they believe the child should simply be punished for unacceptable behavior.

Actually there is no "either/or" magic formula. Punishments and rewards can work or fail depending on a given situation, the child's temperament and relationship to the one employing the disciplinary action, and the degree of consistency in applying disciplinary methods. Teaching your child to desire to do what they are supposed to do can more readily be achieved by following a natural progression and using elements of each appropriate method of disciplinary training.

• Clearly state your expectation. "It's time to prepare for bed. Turn off your movie, brush your teeth and pick out a story book."
• If your child responds positively to your direction, reward him with acknowledgment and praise (rather than a treat or prize). "You did a great job of getting ready for bed. Thank you for being such a big boy and making bedtime more enjoyable for both of us!" Affectionate "rewards" such as hugs, kisses, and high-fives, increase your child's self-esteem and motivation, encouraging him to want to succeed and please you and himself.
• If your child refuses or ignores your request, then a clear warning should be given immediately. "I'm reminding you just this one time to get ready for bed."
• If the warning is not heeded, then quickly enforce your instruction with appropriate punishment. "There will not be time for a bedtime story this evening since you choose not to get ready for bed when I asked you to." or "There will be no movie before bedtime tomorrow night since you did not listen when I asked you to get ready for bed tonight."

When a child learns that you mean what you say, she will begin to understand that it feels good to both of you when she pleases you by listening and following directions, and not so good when she doesn't. Having your approval and a peaceful loving response will become all the reward your child desires for herself - and that's win-win discipline.

Dianne Prather, Guide to Single Parenting

KIDS' FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. Why don't my parents get along?
A. Sometimes parents fall out of love with each other, for reasons no one else understands. They may like different things, and want to do different things from each other. Because of this, they begin to argue, and then they become more and more unhappy. One thing to remember is that parents NEVER stop loving their children.

Q. Was the divorce my fault?
A. No. Divorce is never the child's fault. Divorce is something that happens between two adults and it is not because of anything that someone else did.

Q. Do my parents still love me?
A. Yes they do. Ask them, and they will tell you. The divorce was not your fault, and your parents are not angry with you.

Q. Who will take care of me?
A. Your parents will still take care of you. Your parents will probably decide to live in separate places. You may only live with one parent, or you may live with one parent sometimes and with the other parent at other times. If you spend time with each parent, and you get confused, ask them to help you. Maybe you can figure out a way to make the schedule easier.

Q. If I'm good, will they get back together again?
A. No. You may think that if you are good, your parents will stop being mad. This is not true. Keeping your room clean won't bring them back together. Trying to get along with your brother or sister won't bring them back together. It is their decision, and whether you are good OR bad does not influence their decision to divorce.

Q. What can I do when they yell at each other?
A. You can leave the room. You can ask them not to fight in front of you. You can go to your room and shut the door. You can write them a letter and tell them how much it hurts you when they argue with each other. You can go to someone else's house (ask permission first, though). You can turn on the TV and try not to listen to them.

TALKING TO YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THE DIVORCE

Sometimes it's hard to tell your parents how you feel. You may feel angry, or afraid, or even guilty, thinking you might have caused the divorce (you didn't). You might think you could hurt your parents' feelings, or make one of them cry.

It is always best to tell your parents how you feel. They may not be aware that you feel bad about the divorce. They may want to talk to you about it, too. Here are some ideas that might help:

• You could write them a letter and tell them how you feel.
• You could draw them a picture to tell them how you feel.
• You could ask them to set aside a certain time so that you can talk about the divorce with them.
• You will feel better after you talk to them. Don't expect that this will change the divorce situation.

It might help with certain parts of it, like when you visit each parent or how much they argue in front of you. It will also help you feel better, and it may help your parents to understand you better. Helping yourself through separation and divorce

There are some practical things you can do to help yourself when you're going through separation and divorce. Some of these things include:

• Taking control of your life - feeling out of control, helpless, hopeless and blaming others for your situation gives control of your life to other people.
• Rebuilding your life - make some important decisions about your life and discuss these with your friends and family. Make sure they are decisions that will benefit you in the long run.
• Use your anger in a positive way - most people going through separation or divorce will feel anger. How you respond is your responsibility - responding in a destructive way will not achieve anything.
• Getting enough sleep - the stress involved in separating can mean that you won't get enough sleep. If this problem persists you should consult your doctor.
• Don't forget to eat properly - its easy to forget to look after yourself if you are feeling stressed.
• Talk to family and friends - don't use your children for support or a sounding-board. As a parent, you should be there to support them, which will be hard at such a stressful time. It is important to talk to people and feel supported to help you work through the grieving process.
• Find other ways to help yourself - listen to music, start exercising and have fun with your children.

Steps of Marriage decline, separation and life building: 4 pathways people can take after a Divorce Child hood-picture of happy marriage and basic self-image formed.

Teenage-dating begins, ability to make and keep friends developed, ability to make personal decisions developed, emotional anxiety and excitement.

Courtship-engagement, life partner selected, conversations long into the night, wedding, lots of eye and body contact and high sexual activity.

Early marriage-some of partner's habits begin to irritate, partner's faults seen easily, deny anything is wrong and mentally blame partner.

Relationship decline-unable to share feelings, criticize partner directly, sex declines, communication declines and feel suspicious of partner.

Anger-hostile and resentful feelings, feelings and thoughts mainly negative, frequent fighting, loss of self-confidence and act without consulting partner Conflict-tense atmosphere in home, children upset, mutually destructive behavior, taking on outside duties at expense of marriage, become open to outside attachment, start avoiding each other, talk about divorce and try bargaining with partner.

Despair-Energy loss, mentally prepare for independent life, feel a failure and devalue marriage relationship.

Crisis-Children play parents off against each other and accept reality.

Separation-Whirlpool of feelings and emotions.

Pathway 1 Drifting through life-Freeze, indecision, giving up the struggle, fatigue and withdrawal.
Pathway 2 Continuing the crisis-Fight, melodrama, getting even, playing victim, not letting go, resentment and nervous breakdown.
Pathway 3 Rebound relationship-Flight, frantic search, hasty friendship, early comfort, poor matching, conflict and later suffering.
Pathway 4 Building a new life-Freedom, understand and accept reality, resolve to build new life, let go of past, taking responsibility for planning life, new energy, positive attitude towards self and situation, develop purpose in life, manage time better, new communication skills, resolving conflicts, emotional maturity, self confidence, achieving goals, life satisfaction, self esteem crisis, become involved in life, rise in enthusiasm, build friendship and taking relationship skills.

Top Ten Ways to Implode the Mediation Process Mediation is a slow and delicate process. There are lots of things you can do to make it harder -- or impossible -- if you're not careful. Here's our list of the top 10 things you can do to implode your mediation,

Stop sending the support checks or paying the bills you agreed to pay - to make a point!

Make a sudden move - for example, four days into your divorce, you decide to buy a new house and request your spouse release a significant sum of community funds to you for a down payment

Cohabit with another adult - bad move. Creates so much ill will during sensitive negotiations. What are you thinking?

With hold visitation - to make a point - don't use your kids as leverage. Bad strategy

Ignore the kids. No one is born with the knowledge of how to be an effective parent. We all learn it by trial and error. You'll learn also. Give it a try.

Get into blame. It's over. Who cares whose fault it was? The State of California says that neither one of you is more than fifty percent responsible for the break down of the marriage.

Forget the Golden Rule. Take the high road in mediation. It will serve you well for a long time to come. Don't nit pick every penny.

Don't rush the process

Don't dawdle to slow down the process

Don't let fear or greed get the best of you. Write down your plan and your budget to be sure you will be okay financially.

Most Common Threats made during a Divorce

Most lawyers who have been handling divorces for any length of time have clients report an almost predictable list of threats from their spouses. Since divorcing parties generally have a limited understanding of the process, they take these threats literally and immediately call their attorneys to report them, thereby increasing their fees and their anxiety level. Most threats are baseless and more a result of fear, bullying or desperation. Often, merely knowing that you are not the first one to hear these threats can have a calming effect.

Having said that, on rare occasions a threat will turn out to be real. Thus, while it is easy to say that they are common, whether to give them any weight depends upon the actual circumstances of your case. The following is a list of common threats that attorneys often hear and to which they generally pay little attention. prevention and consequences of the various threatened acts. In some cases it is definitely necessary to get the assistance of private attorneys and/or the District Attorney.

1. "When I tell them __[X]___, you'll never get the kids."
X can be an affair, the fact that you are seeing an analyst, a DUI, or some other transgression. Although X may have been painful to you and/or your spouse, unless it directly impacts the best interests of the children, it is doubtful that it is going to be given any significant weight by the custody evaluators and/or the judge.

2. "You'll never see the children again."
Sorry, that's not the way it works. When custodial parents don't want to share the children, the courts have lots of weapons available to convince them to cooperate. These include sanctions and/or a change of custody. Having said that, sometimes a parent will disappear with the children. If a parent does this, you must immediately see a lawyer to get the appropriate court orders and file police reports. It will be necessary to get both state and federal arrest warrants. This is relatively rare, but it does happen.

3. "I'll take the children and move back to Nebraska."
This one may be true. The custodial parent has a right to move the children pretty much anywhere s/he wants even if it interferes with the non-custodial parent's visitation rights. Unless you can show that the moving parent's purpose is to deprive the non-custodial parent of visitation, the courts will not interfere. The non-custodial parent's remedies are more extensive visitation during vacation periods and perhaps an adjustment in support due to the costs of travel.

4. "If you ask for a share of my property [or support, or whatever], I'll ask for custody and take the children away from you."
Go ahead and try. Custody determinations are made based upon what is in the best interests of the child. In making this determination, mediators and judges put more weight on established patterns of conduct than they do on expressed intentions. Thus, if the mother has been the one in charge of raising the children, the chances are very slim that the court is going to suddenly award custody to the father (usually prompted by a peek at the child support guidelines).

5. "You'll end up in the street with nothing."
No. You will end up with half of the community property and, if appropriate, spousal and/or child support for an appropriate period of time. The spouse making the threat may not want to give you your share of the property and support, but your attorney can request that the court make orders insuring that the property is equally divided and that support is paid. You can also seek the assistance of the Child Support Collection Service or District Attorney in your county. 6. "You'll never get any of my pension."
Although pensions are very emotional assets for many people, in the final analysis, they are just another type of property that must be considered and divided in the divorce. The simple answer is that it is community property and you deserve your share. Although it may be possible for the employee to keep his or her pension intact, it will require that the other spouse receive other property of equal value. In many marriages, the pension and the equity in the house are the two most valuable assets and if the employee is going to keep his/her pension, the other spouse may end up with the house.

7. "I'll hide all of the money and you won't get a nickel."
This is harder than it sounds. It is difficult to move money around without there being a paper record of it. If your attorney does adequate discovery, s/he should be able to spot any significant transfers of funds from one account to another. In cases where such a threat is likely to be credible, it is important to get as many records from the financial institutions themselves as possible, as you don't want to be relying on what your spouse is giving you. It may be necessary to involve a forensic accountant to assist in reviewing the records and searching for diverted assets. If the party is self-employed, then the search gets more difficult and more expensive. Although it is possible to hide assets, it is not as easy as most people believe.

8. "I'll start a new family and they will be my priority."
So what? The court will require that s/he take care of the financial needs of the prior family before taking the needs of a new family into account. If s/he has a child with a new spouse, then s/he will be entitled to a hardship deduction in the child support calculation, but that usually doesn't have a large impact on support.

9. "I'm kicking you out of MY house."
Maybe, but not right away. First, whose house is it? If both names are on the deed, you have an equal right to possession of it. Generally, you cannot be forced to leave unless you have committed domestic violence. If it truly is his (or her) house, then at the end of the case you will be required to leave. Having said that, you may want to leave sooner. Who wants to live with someone that they are divorcing?

10. "I've got someone new and s/he is better/younger/prettier than you." This is designed to simply be hurtful. The retort may simply be, "Perhaps, but s/he doesn't really know you yet."

11. "Your attorney is unscrupulous and is taking you to the cleaners."
This is an attempt to "divide and conquer." Most attorneys are acutely aware of the size of their bills and are not anxious to see them get out of hand. It is much easier for them to collect small bills than large ones. If your spouse thinks that your attorney is really a gem, then perhaps s/he isn't representing you as vigorously as is warranted.

12. "Unless you do things my way, you won't get a dime."
This is a threat made by someone who is used to being in charge. You don't have to do it his or her way. That's why you have an attorney to represent your interests. The law states what you are entitled to. If your soon to be ex-spouse can't get used to the idea that s/he is no longer in charge of your affairs, that's a personal problem.

13. "I'll quit my job before I pay you a dime."
Although support is usually awarded based on actual current earnings, if the Court believes that one party is earning less than his or her capacity, it may use earning ability. In this situation, the paying party may be ordered to pay higher support (or the receiving party get less support) than would be warranted based upon his or her current circumstances. These are often credibility issues so it is best if you can get a witness to the threats.

14. "When the judge sees my expenses, you'll get less (or I'll get more) support than the guideline amount."
Perhaps, but unlikely. Judges are used to making orders that leave both parties unable to meet their stated expenses. Thus, unless there is a very compelling expense, such as unusual medical expenses, mortgage or private school expenses, the court is just going to apportion the available income equitably between the parties and let them get by as best they can.

15. "I'll consider reconciling with you if you sign this agreement."
If s/he wants to reconcile, why do you need a property agreement? In all likelihood, it is simply an artifice to get you to make a concession that you shouldn't make and shortly after signing it s/he will be gone again. Be extremely cautious of such devices.

While most such threats can be ignored, you may want to keep a log of the dates, times and context within which the threats were made. If you think that a threat is serious, then you should contact your attorney immediately. Otherwise, simply keep your log and periodically share it with your attorney. Take solace in the knowledge that the fact that your spouse feels the need to make these sorts of threats is usually because s/he is frightened and no longer feels in control.

1This list is based in part on one drafted many years ago by Barbara DiFranza, Esq., CFLS, Salinas, California.

(c)2001 California Divorce Guide(tm)

Ideas for clients going through divorce and single parenthood:
18 easy ways to nurture yourself
by Deb Donovan

"The soul has an absolute, unforgiving need for regular excursions into enchantment. It requires them like the body needs food and the mind needs thought."--Thomas Moore

1. Allow yourself some private time each day, even if it is only a half hour.
2. Take a long walk.
3. Buy a bouquet of flowers for yourself.
4. Begin to develop an intimate circle of friends and family.
5. Turn off the phone and allow your answering machine to pick up your calls.
6. Put on your favorite music, turn it up loud and dance.
7. Call your best friend and settle in with a hot cup of tea, for a good long talk
8. Snuggle up in bed with a good book.
9. Sink into your tub for a long, luxurious soak at the end of the day.
10. Indulge in getting (or giving) a massage.
11. Snack on your favorite "comfort food."
12. Remember how you felt when you fell in love with your partner and allow yourself to recreate that feeling.
13. Write a love letter (to your partner, children, parents, friends...)
14. Treat yourself to a manicure and a pedicure.
15. Rent a great video.
16. Start a gratitude journal and express your thanks on a daily basis.
17. Go to the beach. Delight and bask in the warming rays of the sun.
18. Visit your favorite bookstore (the one with comfortable chairs and a coffee shop) and spend the afternoon.

Coping tips for adult children of divorce
Susan M. Jackson
The divorce of one's parents is generally one of the most painful events in life. With the holidays approaching and traditions being common events, issues may be brought to the surface.

Researchers have found that children experience many fairly predictable stages as they learn to accept the finality of the divorce and begin to build sometimes changed relationships with each of the parents. Most of the current studies concerning the effects of divorce discusses younger children and their responses to this stressful family situation.

However, several researchers have explored the impact of parental divorce has on adult children. The results indicate that the disruption through divorce of the parent/child relationship as late as early adulthood may still produce some negative effects. Perhaps not surprisingly, older adolescents and adult children experience much of the same trauma as younger children of divorcing parents. They also need to find ways to accept the changes in their family relationships.

Obviously, arrangements concerning custody, child support and visitation are no longer issues, but parent/child contact and emotional support are often greatly affected. Traditionally, young adults are still dependent on their parents to assist them in making the transition to independence. Divorce often creates such a powerful sense of loss of a parent that the young adult may not feel like the parent is still available to them in making the transition to independence. Because the adult child is in a period of major transition in his or her own life, it is difficult for him/her to readily accept the changes that the parent(s) are, of necessity, experiencing.

The adult child can reasonably expect to go through a grieving process when his or her parents divorce. This will probably include periods of anger at one or both parents. There may be a strong feeling that their family is irretrievably fragmented. Feelings of confusion concerning how to relate positively to the parents are normal. Adult children will likely question how holidays and other family traditions can ever be meaningful again.

Tips for coping

* The young adult should firmly, but lovingly, refuse to be drawn into the middle of the conflict. There may be pressure to choose sides, but he or she needs to remain as loving as possible with both parents. If one parent seems to be more "at fault" or "to blame" than the other, the adult child will likely be angry at that parent. However, that issue should be resolved between the parent and the child with professional assistance, if needed.

The parents have to work out their own divorce and financial agreements. This is not an appropriate role for their child.

* The adult child may need to seek out a support group to allow a "safe" place to let out feelings and to share with others who are experiencing similar concerns.

* The grieving process is normal. People don't really explode from anger -- it only feels like it. There will be times to cry, times to yell and times to feel sad. It's OK.

* Although it's often difficult, it's important to try to forgive parental weaknesses and faults. Everyone heals easier and sooner with a little understanding and reasonable expectations.

* Family rituals are still important. However, some of them may need to be adjusted to meet the changed family situation. Be flexible.

* Create new traditions and family activities. This helps the healing process and strengthens the family members.

* Spend positive time together in the new family groupings. Find fun things to do to help deal with stress and to begin rebuilding.

Accepting parents' divorce when one is just beginning to get used to his or her own new independence can be very stressful. It helps to remember that life will get back to normal in time, even if normal looks different from what was expected. The newly arranged family can still be strong, loving and supportive of its members.

***Susan M. Jackson is the Harvey County Extension agent, family and consumer sciences and community development.

21 ways to guide your children through divorce

Divorce can be as devastating an experience for children as for parents. But, if you are aware of the symptoms in the post-separation period, and follow the guidelines set out below, you may be able to minimize, to some extent the damaging effects.

Caught in the divorce process, children all too often become scapegoats for their parents' resentment of each other, or tools in the manipulation of custody or property settlements.

All children show some distress at the immediate crisis of family break up. Such distress can continue if the parents remain tense and angry with each other. Children react differently depending on temperament and age. It is important to allow for individual differences in making an assessment of the situation. Some signals that children are stressed can be:

• Very little children lose the gains they have made in maturity and revert to behavior of an earlier age group;
• Primary age children can have bouts of weeping, show worried behavior, become irritable, aggressive or wining;
• They may lose language skills, sleep habits and eating and toilet habits;
• They may become rebellious and have tantrums;
• They may withdraw into dreaming, in "withdrawal sleeping" at home and school;
• They may suffer stress related complaints such as asthma, vomiting, diarrhea and eczema;
• They may lose weight and withdraw from parents and peers, showing a loss of interest in social contacts, sport and play. Their mood may be flat and unemotional;
• They may show evidence of preoccupation with compulsive thoughts about the family and be unable to concentrate for very long on any activity;
• There may be a marked change in their attitude to one or both parents.

In the interests of increased understanding of these symptoms and in an effort to reduce them, Family Court Counselors and members of the medical profession with a special interest in the effects of divorce on the mental health of children have contributed the following general advice as a guideline for both custodial and access parents:

• Tell your children what is happening and why. How you tell them will vary according to their ages and comprehension, but keep it simple and do it without drama. Repeated simple explanations and answering all their questions can help children to adjust. The worst thing you can do when your marriage breaks up is to keep your children in the dark. Fear of the unknown is far harder to cope with than the fact of a split up and how soon it will affect them;
• Allow your children, as well as yourself; time to adjust to the new order of things. Expect erratic outbursts of temper, tears and periods of tiredness. Your children are probably experiencing a whole range of emotions, from fear through to anger, and this is their way of expressing their feelings;
• Try to be more available to your children than ever before. They need the reassurance of your physical presence and your emotional support;
• Reassure your children that they are not to blame for your marriage break up. Young children, especially, tend to believe they have "done something" to make Daddy or Mommy go away;
• The guilt you may feel about the marriage break-up may affect the way you discipline your children, but children need consistent control direction, and discipline;
• Don't get into a competitive, over-compensating cycle with your former partner. The tension and hostility this generates carries through to your children, who may either withdraw from both parents altogether, or play one off against the other for bigger "rewards";
• Encourage your children to talk to you about their fears or worries (even relatively small worries like whether or not they can continue to afford to go to Scouts or ice skating can build up to breaking point in a child's mind), but don't push for confidences. Children are often afraid they will have no one to care for them, and need lots of reassurances from parents and teachers and fairly frequent access to minimize these worries.
• If you cry in front of them, tell your children why you are crying, Children assume guilt for their parents' anxiety all too easily unless they are helped to understand that it is not caused by something they have done. Children can overload themselves with responsibility for the well being of one or both parents. Parents need to clearly show they have taken responsibility for themselves and children need to be given simple manageable tasks.
• Try to accent the positive aspects of your past marriage. Talk to the children about the good times; do not omit all mention of Daddy or Mommy just because they are no longer living with the family. This reassures them they do not have to "take sides";
• Think positively, yourself. Continuing anger or bitterness towards your former partner will injure your children more than the separation itself;
• It is absolutely essential to your children's emotional stability that separated parents establish a reasonable attitude towards custody and access rulings - at least, in front of the children. If there is any fighting to be done, do it through your lawyers and try to make the hand-over at access times as pleasant as possible for the children's sake;
• Custodial parents should give their children plenty of notice about access visits and make the build-up period one of agreeable anticipation. Talk about the coming visit and encourage your children to look forward to it. Sometimes access visits can lead to upset behavior but if parents treat this calmly without disrupting access it is likely to settle down. Some of this upset is part of children's normal reaction to loss.
• Access parents should plan their visits well ahead and make sure they arrive punctually. Children interpret delays as lack of interest in, or love for them personally. The hours before an access visit can cause a child incredible anxiety - does Daddy or Mummy want him or her enough to show up?
• Both custodial and access parents should get together to agree on exact locations for pick-up and drop-off points, Children left alone on the footpath or dumped in the driveway have to cross a no-man's-land between their parents, with no emotional support from either at a time they need it most.
• Listen with interest if your children talk about conditions at home with the custodian parent or what they did on an access visit. But don't question them. If you do, they may clam up and you could close off a valuable escape valve for them.
• Never pump your children for information about your former partner's lifestyle. Children must feel the love they receive from both parents is unconditional and not dependent on giving the "right" or "wrong" answers. Children often feel very loyal and get caught in loyalty conflicts they love both of them and wish to live with them. Parents need to make clear what are adult decisions and what are decisions in which the children should be involved. Discourage children's' attempts to gain approval by telling tales and acting as a spy;
• Don't put your child "on display" for the visiting parent. Dressing children up may make them think they are unacceptable as they normally are, or worse, that they have to be made to look attractive to attract the parent's love;
• Non-resident parents should try to introduce their children to their own normal living conditions rather than take them to "special" places. Confidences are exchange more easily across a kitchen table, or lying on the floor playing with slot-cars than in the artificial atmosphere of restaurants and other "special" places;
• If you are concerned about problems arising from contact visits - or residence - discuss them with the other parent away from the children. The worst thing for your children is to witness open conflict between the two people they love most - especially if it appears they may have caused the conflict;
• If you are ever concerned about the physical safety or the emotional well being of your children, get in touch with your family doctor;
• Children may be ashamed, embarrassed and betrayed by the behavior of one parent and become judgmental and blaming. One should not make too big a thing of this and encourage the child to reconcile with the parent. Children sometimes become so worried about themselves and their future they shut off from one parent. They need permission to withdraw from the family conflict. The key to ensuring the healthy emotional development of your children, whether they have one or two parents living with them, is for both parents to show mutual respect for each other.

  Children's Drawings

  Your Child's Scribbles May Be More Than
  Simple Lines on a Page!

  Research completed by: James Madison University Early Childhood Education students.

  We set out to find the answers to your questions. In order to gather this information, we collected drawings from twenty kindergarten children in our practicum classrooms. These children range from five years and one month to five years and eight months in age. Our purpose was to analyze children's expressions, as well as cognitive and interpersonal development through the drawing of their families. Each child was given a sheet of 8 ? x 11 white paper, a set of crayons, markers and a chubby pencil. We told them to draw a picture of their family. Coaching was used when needed, but in amounts where it would not affect their drawings.

  Literature says that drawing for children is the most universal form of expression, especially for kindergarten and primary aged children. Children draw what is important to them in their pictures. They draw some, but not all of what is known about the object and what is remembered at the time. The representation of the idea is colored by feelings, as well as what is seen, and through an inner, not an optical reality (Di Leo 1973, p 10). Therefore, children's drawings should not be ignored because they represent cognitive and interpersonal development.

  Interpersonal relationships are portrayed through children's drawings, especially of their families. The child emphasizes what is important and often omits what is not. Their drawings are very subjective and are not an actual reproduction of an image. They draw and accentuate what is the most and least important to them according to proximity, size and order. Body parts, shading and other objects can also be a way of communicating relationships and emotions (Di Leo, 1970).

  What does it mean when a child omits a family member or him/herself?
  We found that many children omitted themselves and other family members. Six children omitted one or both parents. According to Di Leo (1973), "'forgetting' to include a family member is expressive of a negative attitude towards that person, rejection or symbolic elimination." (p. 108). Only two children failed to include themselves within their drawings, which could represent feelings of inadequacy, and of not belonging to the family unit (Di Leo, 1973).

  Does size matter?
  The relative size of the figures within the drawings was also taken into account. In their drawings, children emphasize what is important by enlarging the figures, regardless of their actual physical size (Di Leo, 1983). In most of the drawings, the parents were larger than the children, which could suggest that the children view them as the most important part of the family system. In only two of the drawings the children drew themselves as large as one of the parents, which could signify how important they feel within the family.

  Are there any topics of concern for teachers and parents?
  There might be a cause for concern. Koppitz (1968) states that shading of the body reveals anxiety. She also states that anxiety is normal among children just beginning school, because of their emerging awareness of bodily differences and functions. Approximately half of the children shaded body parts. Only one child shaded the face of her mother, which is not considered normal. This could be an indication of a disturbed child who has a poor self-concept (Koppitz, 1968). Although children in the tadpole stage do not include arms, some children only put arms or large hands on one figure. Three children included large hands in their drawings, which could indicate the disciplinarian and, in some cases, could communicate abuse (Di Leo, 1970).

  Children use drawing as a way to express themselves and their emotions. Therefore, educators should not discourage children from using drawing as an outlet for a means of expression. What children draw does not necessarily reflect issues of concern, but could instead demonstrate their stage of cognitive understanding. However, it is also important for educators to look at these drawings as possible indicators of abuse, emotional disturbance or slow development.

  Research indicates that children's drawings portray their cognitive development, which is expressed in several stages. A psychologist, Malchiodi, formulated the stage on which we focused, the Human Forms and Beginning Schemata Stage of artistic expression. During this stage, children draw many figures in apparently random locations without concern for correct placement. Within this stage children develop in two sub-stages, the tadpole stage and the transitional tadpole stage. The characteristics of the tadpole stage consist of a basic figure with legs protruding from the head; sometimes arms are included, as well. In the transitional sub-stage, children begin to draw a trunk, along with the head, legs and arms. They also begin to add hair, fingers, and toes. (Malchiodi, 1998).

  The children in our practicum classrooms supported Malchiodi's stages as shown in their drawings. Their drawings were categorized by one broad stage in cognitive development; Human Forms and Beginning Schemata and were then broken into four subcategories. Only one child fell short of the tadpole stage because he neglected to include other body parts aside from the head. Eight children fell into the tadpole category because they have a head like figure, but did not include a recognizable torso. It was also noticeable that the majority of the children in this category had no concept of ground, as figures were placed randomly on the page. Nine children were found to be in the transitional tadpole stage because they included a torso and the majority had developed the concept of ground. Two children moved slightly beyond this stage of cognitive development, as they included distinguishable features of the human figure and clothing. They also had more understanding of color and appeared to recognize that skin and hair were separate features.

  These children demonstrated cognitive development in terms of the process used in order to obtain a final product. Children in earlier stages only used one or two mediums and focused on the experimental process of drawing. However, these two children displayed the understanding that there is an intricate process that will result in a finalized product (Malchiodi, 1998). This is characterized by the initial use of pencil to provide an outline of the figures and then the use of marker to make the picture permanent. It should be noticed that the majority (17) of the students fell into the tadpole and transitional tadpole stages with only a few outliers.

  It is important to look at your child's drawings, as they display individual development. Teachers may also find these drawings helpful to pinpoint developmentally appropriate instruction.

  Books for Children of Divorce
  BOOKS FOR 4-6-YEAR-OLDS
  Abercrombie, Barbara Charlie Anderson
  Two girls who live with their mother adopt a cat who comes to their house every night. When he doesn't appear one night, they go looking for him and discover that he has two homes where he is loved and cared for, just like they do.
  Best, Cari, Taxi Taxi. Little Brown This story features a young Latina girl whose parents don't live together. Every Sunday, her father comes to visit in his bright yellow taxi. Bonkowski, Sara, Tots Are Non-Divorceable; A Workbook for Parents and Their Children (Birth to 5 years). ACTA Publications, 1998.
  Brown, Laurene Krasny and Marc Brown, Dinosaur's Divorce. Little, Brown, 1986. Non-fiction, 29 pp. A family of dinosaurs provides the vehicle for helping children understand divorce, life with a single parent, visitation, living in two homes, relating to friends, and parents' dating and remarriage. The book has a section to help children identify their own feelings about divorce, and emphasizes what children can do to help themselves. A non-threatening and captivating book with superb illustrations. (Note: This book is read by the 7-9-year-olds during Session 2.)
  Burke, Maggie, When Daddy Comes to Visit. Winston-Derek Pub., 1997 A story in rhyme about the imaginary games a child plays when his father visits on Sundays.

  Caines, Jeannette, Daddy. Harper and Row, 1977. Fiction, 32 pp.
  This is a warmly told story about the joys of a child's visits with father and stepmother each Saturday. Although this book is not specifically about divorce, the loving and caring relationships portrayed in this African-American stepfamily offer the child reader a sense that he or she continues to be loved by his or her father after divorce and remarriage.
  Hoffman, Mary, Boundless Grace. Dial Books. Grace, a young African-American girl, lives with her mother and grandmother. But one day, she gets to go to Africa to visit her father.
  Lansky, Vicki, It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear. Book Peddlers, 1998. Fiction, 32 pp. (Available in English and Spanish.) Koko Bear learns what divorce means, how to deal with changes, how to recognize and deal with feelings, and that divorce is not Kokos fault. Each page includes tips for parents.
  Prestine, Joan Singleton, Mom and Dad Break Up. Fearon Teacher Aids, 1996. Fiction, 32 pp.
  This book is better for kids who remember their parents breaking up. Beautiful illustrations and descriptions of how kids feel.
  Ransom, Jeanie Franz, I Don't Want to Talk About It. Magination Press, 2000.
  A story comparing the child's feelings to those of various animals; beautifully illustrated. Afterword for parents suggests how to help their children adjust. (Preview the book)
  Rogers, Fred, Let's Talk About It: Divorce, G.P. Putnam Sons, N.Y. 1996. Non-Fiction, 28 pp.
  This book uses simple direct language in addressing the worries and questions of young children. Beautiful photographs depict culturally diverse families.

  Stinson, Kathy, Mom and Dad Don't Live Together Anymore. Firefly Books, 1984. A simple text with effective illustrations portraying the feelings of a young girl.
  Weninger, Brigette, Good-Bye Daddy! North-South Books, 1995. Tom hates it when Daddy leaves, until one night when his teddy bear whispers to him a story about a little bear who has problems just like his. Ages 4-8.
  Willhoite, Michael, Daddy's Roommate. Horn Book, Inc. 1991. This story's narrator begins with his parents' divorce and continues with the arrival of "someone new at Daddy's house." The young boy discusses his father's new living situation, in which the father and his gay roommate share eating, doing chores, playing, loving an living.
  Wyeth, Sharon Dennis, Always My Dad. Alfred H. Knopf. A father whose visits are unpredictable but treasured reminds his family that, no matter where he is, he's always dad. Beautiful illustrations of an African-American family. Ages 4-8.

  BOOKS FOR 7-9-YEAR-OLDS
  Bonkowski, Sara, Tots Are Non-Divorceable; A Workbook for Parents and Their Children (Birth to 5 years). ACTA Publications, 1998.
  Brown, Laurene Krasny and Marc Brown, Dinosaur's Divorce. Little, Brown, 1986. Non-fiction, 29 pp.
  A family of dinosaurs provides the vehicle for helping children understand divorce, life with a single parent, visitation, living in two homes, relating to friends, and parents' dating and remarriage. This book offers a section to help children identify their own feelings about divorce, and emphasizes what children can do to help themselves.
  Caseley, Judith, Priscilla Twice, Greenwillow Books, 1995. Fiction, 30 pp. This book tells the story of a girl who feels split in half. It helps her understand in reassuring and even humorous ways that there is more than one kind of family.
  Cleary, Beverly, Dear Mr. Henshaw. Avon Co., 1994. An award winning book about a 10-year old boy who writes letters to an unmet hero describing how he misses his father. Also available in Spanish. Ages 8-12.
  Fassler, David, Michele Lash, Sally Blakeslee Ives, Changing Families: A Guide for Kids and Grown-Ups. VT: Waterfront Books, 1988. Non-fiction, 179 pp.
  This workbook is designed to be used by children and parents together. Through such activities as writing, drawing, and circling appropriate responses, children are able to express common thoughts and feelings about separation, divorce and stepfamilies.
  Field, Mary Blitzer and Hennie Share, My Life Turned Upside Down, But I Turned It Rightside Up. Child Works Child Play, 1994.
  This novel book tells the story of a young girl whose parents are divorced and how she handles the challenges of living in two places. On every other page she tells about a problem she had and when the reader flips the page, the next page tells how she solved it. Told with humor and sensitivity, this child's feelings and concerns echo those of most children of divorce.
  Girard, Linda Walvoord, At Daddy's on Saturday. IL: Albert Whitman & Co., 1987. Fiction, 29 pp. This book is especially appropriate for children who have been told about separation plans in which they will live primarily with their mother and visit their father regularly. The book reassures children that they will have an ongoing relationship with the father after he moves out of the family home.
  Hiegaard, Marge, When Mom and Dad Separate. MN: Woodland Press, 1991. Non-fiction, 32 pp.
  In this book, children are encouraged to understand and express their feelings about separation and divorce through drawings. Space is reserved on each page for your child's drawings.
  Johnston, Janet, Karen Breunig, Carla Garrity and Mitchell Baris, Through the Eyes of Children: Healing Stories for Children of Divorce. Free Press, 1997 This text contains 15 stories for school-age children dealing with various aspects of families being reorganized through the process of divorce. These stories help children cope through the use of allegory and the magical life of animals endowed with human emotions.
  Children find in these stories some answers to the issues they face in ways they can process and understand.
  Jong, Erica, Megan's Two Houses. Dove Kids, 1996. Fiction. Struggling with the many problems faced by children of divorced families, eight-year-old Megan tries to adjust to having two rooms, two pets, two sets of possessions, and two potential stepparents.
  Lowry, Danielle, What Can I do? A Book For Children of Divorce Magination Press, 2001. Non-fiction, 28 pp. A short chapter book which follows Rosie from her parents' announcement of their intent to divorce through her attempts to reunify them, and eventually to her finding help from her teacher and school counselor.
  Mayle, Peter, Why are We Getting a Divorce? NY: Harmony Books, 1988. Non-fiction, 28 pp. Although short, this book is packed with information that may be helpful for children. It puts divorce in perspective by addressing why people get married and have children, and how some parents come to the decision to divorce. It offers some ideas about the reorganizing family that are positive for children, such as having special time with each parent separately. It also encourages children to have some empathy for their parents, and to take responsibility for helping with household chores and caring for themselves. This book is an updated version of the author's previous book, Divorce Can Happen to the Nicest People.
  Nightingale, Lois V., Ph.D., My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced. Nightingale Rose Publications, 1997. Fiction, 128 pp. This book presents the struggles of four children facing their own parents' divorce and how they cope with the feelings and conflicts that inevitably arise. The enchanting fantasy story/workbook format helps children feel more comfortable dealing with a topic that many children find difficult to face, even when it is happening in their own family.
  Park, Barbara, Don't Make Me Smile. Bullseye, 1990 An eleven-year-old boy feels his life will never be the same again after his parents divorce; people try to cheer him up to no avail. He goes for professional counseling. Ages 8-12.
  Pickhardt, C.E., The Case of the Scary Divorce. Magination Press, 1997. Fiction, 88pp. A ten-year old boy meets the mysterious "Professor Jackson Skye: Helping Investigator" who enlists his aid in solving eight cases, each dealing with a problem he himself is experiencing during his parents' divorce. Ages 9-12. Ransom, Jeanie Franz, I Don't Want to Talk About It. Magination Press, 2000.
  A story comparing the child's feelings to those of various animals; beautifully illustrated. Afterword for parents suggests how to help their children adjust.
  Tax, Meredith, Families. Little, Brown, 1981. Non-fiction, 32 pp.
  This book is short, sweet and to the point. There are all kinds of families, and "the main thing isn't where they live or how big they are... it's how much they love each other." This book normalizes differences between many types of families, and is recommended for children who feel stigmatized by coming from a divorced family. It is culturally sensitive and the illustrations are great.
  Thomas, Shirley, Ph.D. and Dorothy Rankin, Divorced But Still My Parents. Springboard Publications, 1998. Fiction, 90pp. This book is designed to be read by children and their parents together. Alternates between the story of Kristin the kitten whose parents decide to divorce and lessons for children. The interactive workbook is perfect for children because it keeps their attention while they learn more about divorce and themselves. This book educates children about the divorce process, identifies and validates their feelings, and leads them through the grief process in an organized and compassionate way.

  BOOKS FOR 10-14-YEAR-OLDS
  Blume, Judy, It's Not the End of the World. Bradbury Press, 1972. Fiction, 169 pp.
  This excellent book is the story of how a girl and her siblings react to their parents' separation. Karen is concerned about how the family will manage financially and who will take care of them. She tries to get her parents to reconcile. Her 6-year-old sister develops fears of the dark and of being left alone. Her 14-year-old brother runs away for a few days. Karen meets another girl whose parents are divorced, and learns some new ways of coping from her. By the end, Karen has begun to accept her parents' divorce, and is moving towards a different and hopeful future. Realistically told with warmth and compassion, Blume's story is particularly recommended for 10-13-year-old girls.
  Bonkowski, Sara, Teens Are Not Divorceable: A Workbook for Divorced Parents and Their Teens. ACTA Publications, 1990. An inviting format for teens. The author uses a non-judgmental attitude which helps her to tackle difficult topics such as adult dating and abuse. Ages 12-18.
  Cleary, Beverly, Dear Mr. Henshaw. Avon Co., 1994. An award winning book about a 10-year old boy who writes letters to an unmet hero describing how he misses his father. Also available in Spanish. Ages 8-12.
  Danziger, Paula, The Divorce Express. Paper Star, 1998. A 14-year-old girl lives in a joint parenting situation. Problems arise when her mom plans to marry. After Phoebe's parents divorce she has to travel every Sunday to see her dad. Just when she thinks she has a handle on it all, her mom makes a decision that will change everything again. Ages 12-15.
  Evans, Marla D., This is Me and My Two Families. Magination Press, 2000. An awareness scrapbook/journal for kids living in two separate families.
  Fayerweather Street School, The Kids' Book of Divorce: By, For and About Kids. Edited by E. Rofes, Random House, 1982. Twenty children, aged 11-14, discuss various aspects of divorce including custody arrangements, parents' boyfriends and girlfriends, how they were first told abut their parents' divorce and how divorce has changed them
  Field, Mary Blitzer and Hennie Share, My Life Turned Upside Down, But I Turned It Rightside Up. Child Works Child Play, 1994.This novel book tells the story of a young girl whose parents are divorced and how she handles the challenges of living in two places. On every other page, she tells about a problem she had and when the reader flips the book over, the next page tells how she solved it. Told with humor and sensitivity,this child's feelings and concerns echo those of most children of divorce. Ford, Melanie, Annie and Steven, My Parents Are Divorced, Too. Magination Press, 1997, 54 pp. Three stepsiblings in a blended family discuss their experiences, and those of friends, with divorce and remarriage. These young authors write about their own experiences frankly and clearly, in a way that can be understood by young readers. More than just a recounting of experiences it is a guidebook for getting adjusted to a new life, and a means for opening new avenues of communicate at a difficult time in everyone's life. Ages 8-12.
  Hogen, Paula Z, Will Dad Ever Move Back Home? Raintree Steck-Vaughn, 1995, 31 pp. This book presents many of the emotions experienced by children in divorcing families. It also includes realistic life changes. The child learns how to share his or her feelings and the parents learn how to respond in helpful ways.

  Ages 9-12. Kimball, Gayle, Ph.D., How to Survive Your Parents' Divorce. Equality Press, 1994. 268 young people share how they coped with their parents' divorce. Includes comments from 20 counselors who work with youth whose parents are divorcing. Illustrations, bibliography and resource lists.
  Nightingale, Lois V., Ph.D., My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced. Nightingale Rose Publications, 1997. Fiction, 128 pp. This book presents the struggles of four children facing their own parents' divorce and how they cope with the feelings and conflicts that inevitably arise. The enchanting fantasy story/workbook format helps children feel more comfortable dealing with a topic that many children find difficult to face, even when it is happening in their own family.
  Park, Barbara, Don't Make Me Smile. Bullseye, 1990 An eleven-year-old boy feels his life will never be the same again after his parents divorce; people try to cheer him up to no avail. He goes for professional counseling. Ages 8-12.
  Paulsen, Gary, The Hatchet, Noguer y Caralt Editores, S.A., 1996. Fiction. (In Spanish: El Hacha.) After a plane crash, thirteen-year old Brian spends fifty-four days in the wilderness, learning to survive with only the aid of a hatchet given him by his mother, and learning also to survive his parents' divorce. Pickhardt, C.E., The Case of the Scary Divorce. Magination Press, 1997. Fiction, 88 pp.
  A ten-year old boy meets the mysterious "Professor Jackson Skye: Helping Investigator" who enlists his aid in solving eight cases, each dealing with a problem he himself is experiencing during his parents' divorce.

  Ages 9-12. Voigt, Cynthia, Bad, Badder, Baddest. Kirkus Associates, 1997.

  BOOKS FOR ADOLESCENTS
  Bonkowski, Sara, Teens Are Not Divorceable: A Workbook for Divorced Parents and Their Teens. ACTA Publications, 1990.
  An inviting format for teens. The author uses a non-judgmental attitude which helps her to tackle difficult topics such as adult dating and abuse. Ages 12-18.
  Kimball, Gayle, Ph.D., How to Survive Your Parents' Divorce. Equality Press, 1994. 268 young people share how they coped with their parents' divorce. Includes comments from 20 counselors who work with youth whose parents are divorcing. Illustrations, bibliography and resource lists.
  Krementz, Jill, How it Feels When Parents Divorce. Knopf, 1988. A sensitive view of the experiences of children, mostly adolescents, who were interviewed and photographed.
  Richards, Arlene & Irene Willis, How to Get It Together When Your Parents Are Coming Apart. Willard Press, 1976. A comprehensive "coping" book that addresses those needing help with the stresses and confusion of parental divorce; includes an excellent section on legal aspects of divorce.
  Voigt, Cynthia, Solitary Blue. Athenium, 1983. A sophisticated sensitive story about a high school boy (Jeff) who resolves his feelings about his custodial father and absent mother. Jeff's mother, who deserted the family years before, re-enters his life and challenges Jeff to overcome his pain about his family.

  
  

  
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